Happy Birthday Monkey!

It would have been Samantha's 7th birthday today. I've been waiting for this day with trepidation, I didn't know how I would be handling it. So far so good. I had a good cry in the car while driving to work, I even have a happy pill ready just in case. I feel spent emotionally, Christmas, anniversary and now today. I just want to get through the day and go home for a long sleep. Unfortunately, sleep has been very hard to come by lately. I started to get up between 4am and 5am for about 3 weeks leading up to Christmas. I thought I could have a few drinks before bed to help me sleep longer but it didn't really help, I kept getting up in the middle of the to relieve the bladder. I finally got some relief the day after Christmas and I was fine until this morning. I woke up at 5am and just could not get back to sleep.

One of our friends gave us a dvd yesterday, it was from Jonathan's birthday last year. I have very little video of the kids and it has been one of my biggest regrets. We had to watch the dvd on our computer because it wasn't formatted properly. When I heard Samantha's voice, it was the first time since the morning I kissed her goodbye. I wanted to absorb every minute into memory, every last shout, every last laugh, every last movement. I was thankful for the chance to see her at play even if it was only in video.

Time to get back to work, I'll get back on later........

Somewhere over the rainbow

This is a video of one of my favorite songs. It makes me happy when I listen to it and the pictures remind me of Samantha. I hope that anyone who wathes will think of happy thoughts. As you watch the video, imagine a little girl running through the meadows, laughing and screaming for joy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA&feature=related

just copy and paste to browser

Letter from Santa

Jonathan found this letter this morning, placed under the cup of finished milk. I am thankful that he hasn't lost his belief in Santa, we live in too cynical a world and I want him to believe as long as possible. It has been an emotional day, I can't stop the tears nor do I want to. Rob couldn't bring himself to dress up as Santa this year, I don't blame him but Jonathan was very disappointed that Santa didn't show. I was hoping that he would continue the tradition for his daughter, megan but I know that he had done it in years past for Samantha.


Dear Jonathan;

Thank you for the milk and cookies, they were delicious. You are a special boy and I heard you have done a good job taking care of your parents. I read your list and I checked it twice. I even spoke with a little angel who you know and she told me that you weren't too naughty and mostly nice. She promised me that she will keep an eye out for you if I got everthing on your list.

Love

Santa.

Just one day

My Dearest Samantha;

I heard today that the first kids that Santa visits are the little angels in heaven. Did you make your wish list for Santa to see? You don't get a free pass on naughty so I hope you've been nice. When you're done with your list just one thing more, ask Santa if he can grant your dad just one wish if he could. If he could grant me that one wish the wish would be this, for your mom and I to have you back in our arms for just one more day. I promise I won't get greedy and ask for more time, just one more day is all I ask. You left so sudden as you well know and I didn't even have the chance to tell you how much I loved you. That would be the first thing I'd tell you if given the chance, the second would be I'm sorry. Sorry that I couldn't protect my little girl like all daddy's should. For just one day I'd like to see the happiness return to your mother's face and hear the laughter that's been missing from your brother's voice. Oh and the third thing would be to hold you until it was time to let you go. For just one day.

Your birthday is right after, you get another wish. Please ask god to grant your daddy this one wish. I want to join you in heaven, if only for a day. Spread your wings and let me see how high you can fly. That sight I want to see so that it'll last with me til I am ready to join you again. I want to hold your hand in heaven and walk past the gates. I imagined rolling hills with daffodils, beautiful weeping willows and colorful butterflies that flutter without a care in the world. Let me see you do hand stands and cartwheels while laughing with joy. I want to chase you barefoot through the clouds playing hide n go seek and read you your bedtime story while putting you to sleep. I'd stroke you hair and touch your face remembering how it was. For just one more day.

Love,

Daddy

The Holidays

Christmas is barely a few weeks away and I'm already beginning to feel the sadness and depression. I came home early on Saturday, no one was home and I decided to mend the torn lining in my jacket pockets and sleaves. I decided to use a pair of my daughter's favorite socks as extra fabric. I couldn't stop crying as I sewed the remnents into the sleave lining, they are the most absurdly colorful socks that you will ever see. I felt by adding a piece of her favorite clothing to one of my favorite jackets, she would remain closer to me. I know she would have been tickled pink seeing her colorful socks on the lining of my sleeves, Lilly and Jonathan had a good laugh about it. Lilly and I also got a good cry out of it also, those socks just brought back a flood of memories.



We debated for a little while on whether to get a christmas tree this year and I realized that it would be selfish for us not to have one. We still need to make sure that Jonathan was going to have his best Christmas. We've been taking him to therapy at the Hackensack Medical Center. The SIDS foundation has a wing at the hospital and they do an amazing job of reaching out to the parents and siblings of children who pass away unexpectedly or suddenly. Lilly started seeing a licensed clinical social worker(Joseph Chan) who has been a godsend to our family. Jonathan's seen him twice and has been receptive to Joe's efforts at listening. I know I will need to speek with someone at some point but I've got other issues that I hope to work my way through.



When I was growing up, our family never had a christmas tree. I didn't discover the joy of decorating a tree until the kids were born. I get a rush of emotion every time I even think of having to decorate the tree without Samantha. She loved decorating the top of the tree because I would have to sit her on top of my shoulder as she reached for a branch. I would have to alternate between Samantha and Jonathan, I was pretty tired by the time we finished. It would be an annual ritual to hear her getting yelled at for dropping a ball that would break. Lilly was more annoyed at having to clean up the broken pieces than having to replace a ball. The scolding she'd get was always forgotten immediately as she would go and pick up another ornament to hang.



Lilly and I went to pick out a tree on Saturday night. We found a 9 ft tree that just seemed right. Jonathan decided to stay at a friends house until we were home, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to have him come along. When we picked him up from his friends house, he was pretty excited about decorating the tree but we usually wait a day to allow the branches to settle. When we woke up Sunday morning, we came down stairs to the smell of pine. When Lilly brought out the tree ornaments, the first things that we put on the tree were the ornaments that Samantha had made the last few years. I started crying with the first picture ornament that Jonathan handed me and I don't think I've stopped. All those happy, funny memories of Samantha hit me like a hurricane. I'm ashamed to admit that Jonathan had to come over to me to comfort me, shouldn't it be my job to comfort him?

I knew coming in to the holidays that it was going to be tough on us but I had absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm alone in the middle of the sea with no help in sight. I am sometimes so detached from things going on and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with things that need to get done. I feel bad for Lilly because she has to deal with Jonathan and I haven't really been a lot of help to her. The monotony of waking up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep has affected the both of us. I'm ashamed to admit to thinking if this is all there is to my life. I've asked this of myself so many times since Samantha passed yet I've done absolutely nothing to change. If I cry for help who'll listen?

The other side of Happiness

I wake up now wishing your face would be an arms length from sleep weary eyes. I want to hear your oh so sweet voice just more time, telling daddy how much you love me. I go through your clothes, the ones your mom could not bring herself to give away and I inhale deeply just hoping to catch any remnents of your scent. I still look behind as I walk, thinking it might have been just another nightmare. Wanting to see you following without a care in the world. I hear your brother's giggles and I can hear you clear as day, laughing along for no reason at all. I feel the pain you must have felt in your heart the day you passed, I live with it every day.

I keep a picture of you on my computer, Uncle Rob took it for your passport photo. I'm overwhelmed by how beautiful and mature you looked. When work seems chaotic or I sense myself losing control, I look at your face for reassurance. I sometimes feel that tingling sensation, the goose bumps on the arms and I think of you. Are you keeping me company? How about that incident with the bed? I've been leaving the lights on without realizing it but there are moments where I wonder if it's you playing games with your dad. How about the close calls on the highway, there have been a few these past few months, are you watching over me? If it was one or two things that couldn't be explained, I probably wouldn't thinkg twice but the more I think back to these past months the more I'm beginning to suspect. You may no longer be here in body but you are with me in spirit.

Your Aunt Millie and Uncle Rob are finally getting married. They will tie the knot on Oct 7th. It hurts me to remember how much you wanted to be a part of their wedding. I don't want to be there but you know your Aunt Millie, I don't think she would forgive me if I didn't show up. She's been waiting for this day for a very long time. I will be thinking of you and I will picture you as the bride on your wedding day. On a day meant for joy, i will be feeling nothing but profound sadness.

missing you more than ever

it's been awhile since i last wrote and i guess it had to do lot with me not wanting to repeat myself in the posts. i realize now that no matter how many times i write how much i miss Samantha, it would never be enough. these past few months have gone by at a snail's pace for me, i used to think that time was running out on me but now i find that it can't go by soon enough. we've kept Jonathan occupied as best as we could this summer but there's something about him that's changed forever. he had this clownish personality to him that exuded a no care attitude about things. i see it far less now. maybe it was something i saw in Samantha and i am projecting it on him but it is definately not there as much. Lilly and i have been relying on each other to deal with our loss, after all who knows better than us how devastating it's been? it breaks my heart to see the sadness that is now permantly etched on Lilly's face, i see the same sadness whenever i look in the mirror.

a letter to my daughter

My Dearest Samantha;

It seems like just yesterday that I was holding you tight and stroking your hair as you fell asleep. I still remember the feel of your tiny hands touching my arm as your drowsey eyes lost the fight to stay awake. I can hear the laughter of your sweet, sweet voice while you were playing with your brother. I still hear you calling me for help with a difficult task. I see you trying to hide behind that big oak tree and running away screaming while I pretended to chase after you. You've been gone these long hard months and not a day went by that I haven't shed a tear. We've all missed you so, your family and all your friends. I only know now what kind of friends you made and I am amazed at how much you touched their lives. You would be proud of how much love everyone had for you and our family, I am still humbled to this day.

It may be hard for you to believe but Jonathan misses you terribly. I know, I know, he used to be very mean to you. He also loved you more than anything. He's not the same person anymore but neither are your Mom and Dad. He no longer has that sparkle in his eye, he left that with you for safe keeping I guess. He now knows the lonliness of growing up an only child. He no longer has that shadow(I don't mean to call you one in the literal sense) following him around every where he goes. I think he misses that more than even I can imagine. We try to set up more play dates with his friends and some of yours for that matter but nobody is going to even come close to replacing you. I've noticed that he now treats the girls with a lot more gentleness than before and I think it's because of all the hugs he gets. He's not doing as well in school, he says he has a hard time concentrating on his tests. His temper, you remember it well don't you? Well his temper gets out of control and he becomes much more vocal and expressive. He reminds me of you when you used to throw those temper tantrums. I know he's selfish and self centered but what 7 year old isn't? The good news is that someone yesterday told us that your brother has a kind face and he will be lucky in life. This same person didn't have quite as good an opinion of you or your Mom. All I'm going to say is that I wouldn't have been letting you out of the house too many times if you had the pleasure of growing up.

As for your Mom, I cry for her too because she is so sad and heartbroken by your passing. You may not have appreciated it but you were everything in the world to her. A mini Mommmy. You were an exact copy of her in her childhood, a beautiful, caring, smart, demanding and sassy little girl. Your mom may have been strict and mean and anything else that you might have thought but she loved and cared for you from the time you were born til the day you left. She continues to blame herself and thinks that you are mad at her for letting you go. I've told her many times that what happened was not her fault, no one could have possibly know how you were feeling except for you. I know the person you were and you hardly ever complained. You were always too busy worrying about others weren't you? You got that from Mommy. The mornings are especially difficult for the both of us, morning was the only time of the week that we could gather as a family even if it was for a couple of hours. Jonathan would wake you up to play, I would sit on the toilet while you tried hold that button nose of yours while brushing your teeth. Mommy would always get into an argument with you about what you would wear for the day. The best part of my day, ironically, was saying goodbye to you and Jonathan and giving you both big hugs and kisses.

Your Mom and I both wonder how you are doing and I can't help but think that you and Grandpa are having a great time together. I was worried about you being lonely at first but I'm quite sure that you have had no problem making friends with the other angels. Please do me one favor and keep an eye out on your brother, he's all we have left to remind us of you. I know I don't have to ask this of you but it would also be nice if you can watch over your friends too. I promise to come see you one day but you have to be patient, it might be for a visit or a permanent stay. I would appreciate a good word or two to the people in charge.

With love in my heart and tears in my eyes,

Daddy

Happy Fathers Day!

I received the best present a dad can get yesterday, a memento album that was filled with all the heartfelt wishes and condolences from Samantha's funeral. Our friends Kelly and Robert invited us over their house to pick it up. I had forgotten that Kelly has taken it upon herself to put the album together, she did an amazing job. There were pictures in the pages of Samantha and her friends and the best part were the messages from the children. I know that as these children get older, Samantha will become a distant memory but I am hoping that a few will be able to look back as adults and remember that she touched their lives in some way. I know I've said this before and I don't mind repeating it, Lilly and I have been blessed with these unbelievably caring friends who have opened up their homes, hearts and arms to us. Kelly and Robert have 3 absolutely beautiful girls who bring joy to Lilly whenever she sees them and yesterday was no different. For the 15 minutes we were there, I could no longer see the sadness that's been permanently etched on my wife's face. Even Jonathan was happy to be around Raquel, Ava and Grace. I've never asked but I'd venture to guess that their Mom or Dad or both are fans of the movie starlets that share their first names.

I spent a few hours on new Origami yesterday and we went to the memorial trees to clean up the old ones and add the new ones. The new ones are very colorful and they stand out, I hope that they will bring some joy to everyone that sees them. Lilly and I couldn't help but notice the strange looks we were getting from people passing by but we didn't care. So what if it's a little strange to decorate a tree in the middle of June? The tree's not embarrassed by it. I will continue to add new Origami figures for as long as the trees don't complain. They are my way of relieving the stress of every day life and an expression of my grief over the loss of my daughter. The releasing of balloons, writing this blog and the Origami have all helped to ease me through the grief process that many find daunting.

Our Disney trip is less than 3 weeks away and I can't seem to get too excited about going. We are going to stay with Rob and Millie's at their time share, they have a 2 bedroom reserved. I keep thinking back to last year's trip and how happy Samantha was to be around all the characters. I hope we can make new memories for Jonathan. He really needs a break from everything. I just want him to be a kid and enjoy the sensory overload that a trip to Disney brings. I wish that I could have just taken him out of school for the rest of the year and given him a pass until third grade. His whole life has been turned on it's head and we can only watch helplessly while he struggles through this rocky road. I want so badly to put him on my back and walk through life for him but I know that's not what he needs. I worry that he's gone to a place in his head and a part of him does not want to come back out. Speaking of the monkey, I am being summoned to his bedroom to read him a bedtime story.

Toni, I wanted to thank you for being one of the few people on earth who read my very personal thoughts. Please don't share this with anyone else you know, I'd hate for anyone else to know that I walk around with voices in my head. Lilly doesn't even know yet.

Sopranos, what a let down!

I know, I know, but I just can't help put my two cents in. Just like the other ten million or so viewers, I thought my cable went out at the end. I cursed and almost threw the remote at the tv. I actually drove as fast as I could from Silver Springs, Maryland just so I can can the last 1/2 hour. To see that psycho Phil get whacked was like getting a lap dance from one of the girls from the BING, watching as the truck get closer and closer to his head was like getting your face rubbed in it. The end? I'm a visual person, I don't need to imagine that Tony got whacked by the truck driver! So what if we're supposed to think that it wasn't Meadow that walked into the restaurant? How bout Pauly turning rat and walking in behind the Feds and giving Tony that smirk of his, you shoulda made me number two he's thinking. I was expecting to see the guy come out of the Men's room with the guns blazing, instead we get a blank screen. If they wanted a reaction, they sure got an explosion. This had to be the most unsatisfying ending to a show that I've ever seen.

As for the where I was speeding home from, we had gone to Maryland to help celebrate my nephew's graduation from University of Maryland. My brother Charles had invited us down for a little party so we drove down on Saturday afternoon. The party was in full swing when we arrived, there were drunk college students and drunk older people and we tried fitting in. Lilly is more comfortable with people than I am, she has that ability to sit in a crowd and pretend like she's paying attention. I'm around people all day at work so I tend to shy away and go for privacy when I am not working. I have very little to say to people and I haven't quite mastered the art of small talk. If someone were to take a video of me in a crowd, I would look like someone in excruciating pain who is unable to get help. I tend to disappear and sort of melt into the surroundings, most people at a party would swear that they saw me but wouldn't be able to describe what I wore. I was very happy for my brother,he would no longer be burdened with extra college debt by his son(Justin). He now has two more years of college for his daughter(Clarice). If given the chance at turning back the clock, I would happily trade places with my brother.

My brother Charles has been a second father to me for as long as I remember. He is 10 years older than me but has treated me as an equal for most of my adult life. When our family immigrated to the United States, my Father and Mother left behind very comfortable lives so that their three sons could make something of themselves. Both parents worked 6 days a week and 12 hour work days, my brother Charles took on the responsibility of taking care of me and my middle brother Phil. I can still remember the time that he caught me smoking at the age of 13, I gained a healthy respect for his belt. Charles was always the responsible one and the smartest. After one year of high school at Dewitt Clinton HS in the Bronx, he was accepted to Columbia University. He graduated with a BS degree in Chemistry and promptly started work for the FDA. He also started his graduate studies a Queens college, I'm embarassed to say that I do not know if he obtained his Masters degree or not. As the eldest son, he was responsible for the care of our parents as they got older. He helped care my Mother care for our Father as he regressed from a healthy 80 year old to a helpless 82 year old. Although my Mother lives alone now, she is only 10 minutes away from Charles care. When Samantha died, Charles was the first person I called to grieve, he and Kay drove the four hours to be with us in our despair. Charles broke the news of Samantha's death to my Mother because I did not have the courage or the heart to let her know that I failed in my duty as a dad to keep my daughter safe. His support has been immeasurable as we try to overcome the grief and I am comforted to know that Charles and Kay will always be there for us.

On Sunday, Lilly and I took Jonathan to see Samantha's resting place for the first time. I wasn't sure how Jonathan would react because we hadn't told him that Samantha was cremated. I dont't know if he fully comprehended why Samantha wasn't buried like his grandfather was but he finally had an idea where Samantha was. I kept thinking how peaceful her resting place was and I kept picturing in my mind, Samantha running around and doing cartwheels and hiding behind the trees. The flood gates opened and I was off to the races, even though we were not supposed to cry in front of her resting place I could not help myself. I wanted so badly to hold her and hug her but all I could do was whisper that I loved her and missed her very much. Even though I was overcome with grief, positive and happy thoughts of my daughter went through my mind. I felt so connected to this place that I did not want to leave, even after we left I had the urge to go back and be with my daughter. If it were up to me, our family would have already settled in Maryland. Although I wish to be closer to my daughter, I also wish to be closer to my Mother who is now 75 years old. But I've always respected Lilly's wish to be closer to her family and I think we've added a huge extended family in Nutley.

2 months ago

I wasn't sure where to begin, our friend Toni was kind enough to remind me of the lapse from my previous entry. It still seems surreal to me even after 2 months. I was downstairs this morning intending to write when Lilly called me to come upstairs. She wanted to show me something. I found her in tears in the bathroom, she wanted me to follow her and listen to something. The kids used to use her cell phone to call the house phone and leave her messages and I guess Lilly played one of Samantha's calls. When she replayed it for me it was like hearing a ghost from the past, Samantha was leaving a message to Lilly that she loved her. I was thinking of a message that she had left on my cell phone and how stupid I was to not have saved it at the time. I can still remember the message, she was with Megan and she was trying to get Megan to say "uncle Sam". Lilly and I held each other and cried for a very long time.

A friend spoke to me the other day about an article he read about the new General Manager of Lexus USA. He was talking about his family and when counting his children, he said he had one son and two angels in heaven. I was totally awed by this statement. I had begun to think of Samantha's death as a loss of one person from our family but I was wrong to think that way. We will always be a family of four. Samantha was our daughter and Jonathan's sister, that can't ever be taken away from us. It would be a lot less awkward to tell someone that we have a son and one angel in heaven than saying that we have only one child. I will have to send a thank you note to Mr. So and So from Lexus USA, he's been an inspiration.

I meant to write a separate post on May 31st, there was excellent news. Yantacaw school jumped from 3rd place to 1st place in the Library Makeover contest on the last day of competition. First place school gets $45,000 to make over the school library, thanks to the folks at Pfizer and Reading Is Fundamental. It was an extraordinary effort by the school PTO and all the moms and dads who got together as a community to make this happen. Yesterday the news got even better as the standings were updated again and our lead grew by almost a thousand points. The official results won't be posted or announced until September of this year but I think things are looking pretty good for the kids at Yantacaw Elementary School in Nutley, NJ. It's amazing what can get accomplished once people get together for the common good, I guess the saying is true "where there is a will, there is a way". It would be nice if the school dedicated the remodeling of their library in Samantha's memory but I wouldn't be shocked if they didn't. I think Samantha would be happy just to see all the new books that would be made available to the students for years to come. In my heart, that would be her lasting legacy.

I recently started to learn the art of origami and I think I will take it on as a hobby. It's totally confusing at first but once you get the basic folds in order, the rest is pretty easy. So far I've been able to make Pikachu(pokemon), a butterfly, a heart with wings, a sitting dog and a goldfish. The harder ones that I want to try to do are the ballerina and a dragon. Samantha loved to dance and she was born in the year of the Golden Dragon(it was supposed to have been an especially lucky year to have children). I asked Lilly to hang the origami I made on the two memorial trees, hopefully no one will take them but I guess if a kid takes pleasure from one of the origami, it's ok for him/her to take it. I can always make more. I just hope the parks people don't consider it clutter and remove them from the trees. At the dedication ceremony, the parks commissioner asked that the trees not be treated like cemetery sites. Because Samantha's remains are down in Maryland, the trees are the closest that our friends and us have to a place to visit and remember her. By putting up the Origami, I thought that it would evoke happy memories and put smiles on everyone.

I drove into the city today, Lilly made me go see the doctor. I've been continuously getting sick all year and it seemed like as soon as I get over a cold I would get sick again. The doctor took some blood and gave me a checkup. He said I have a bad post nasal drip due to a sinus infection. My body just wasn't able to fight off the infection by itself so I am now on antibiotics. The good news is that my hyper thyroids seem to have relapsed although I can't celebrate until the blood works come back. I forget that I am now into my middle ages and the body is not what it used to be. The body is starting to break down and I am going to have to be more conscious about what I eat and the exercises I should be doing.

why us?

I've asked this question of myself repeatedly. Why us? Why did our daughter have to die? I know death is the ultimate end and we are all pre destined to it but why did our daughter have to be taken? Were we bad parents? Did we neglect to take care of her? Was someone so angry with us that he decided it was right to take Samantha? It all seems so pointless to me now. Wasn't the reason for my being here on earth to be a father to my children so that they may have their own children? Why is it so hard for a priest to explain to me why God would take my little girl? There has been no words from anyone that has removed the hopelessness that I feel. I don't wish to give up on life, I still have my wife and son to love. It just seems that life is giving up on me.

I was at Barnes and Nobel yesterday and I browsed through the religion section. I was hoping to find some answers in a book. I was so sure I would find something that I found myself listening to myself tell picking out titles. I found a book written by an angel(yeah I know, you don't have to say it), I was fascinated enough by the title that I picked it up to read. I actually read a few chapters and I found the book fascinating. What I read told me that we all have inner voices that speak to us and guide us, we are so busy with our daily routines that we often block out these voices. I know I'm going to sound psychotic but I speak to my self every day and it's been going on for as long as I remember. We think of these voices as nothing but random thoughts and notes to ourselves but what if there really is a spirit or angel if you will speaking to us? I know, I know, it's a reach and I'm grasping a straws to this point but what if? Haven't you had an inkling, a thought or action that you attributed to instinct or how about that feeling of deja vu?

I often have dialogues with myself over daily decisions, most people would characterize this as normal thought processes. I thought so too. I've often discarded ideas or suppressed urges to take action by thinking the thought crazy or being too shy. I should have listened to myself the morning my daughter died, I could have saved her life if I had just taken her to the doctor. Will I jump off the building if that little voice in my head tells me to? Hell no! Will I be more apt to listen? Yes! Am I going crazy over Samantha? How can I not? I've re-read what I wrote and I seem to have a lot of questions and very little faith. I totally agree with that statement. I want to believe so badly in the love of God, if only to know that he has taken Samantha into his kingdom. I want to believe that her spirit still exists and thrives in a place with no hate, no hunger, no disease, no want, no madness and no death. I've often asked customer's buying cars from me to take a leap of faith when making a buying decision. I have been unable to take that leap of faith with God, everything tells me to turn away. I had a conversation with Beverly, the person who sent me the book, Within Heaven's Gates. I asked her if she believed the what was written in the book and without hesitation she said yes. I could see in her face that she truly believed, I told her I was envious. Is the Kingdom of God only available to those who believe? Is it truly that easy to be a bad person all your life and then be accepted to heaven by accepting Jesus's mercy?

therapists, who needs them?

Jonathan had an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday. He wasn't very happy to see her but he sat through the session like a trooper. He didn't cooperate very much and expressed to the therapist that the session was a waste of time. After 30 minutes, the therapist ended the session and told Lilly that Jonathan needs time. Well damn!!! Is that all? I think I could have done a better job than that. Well let's see, Jonathan is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder due to the fact that he witnessed his sister's death. He doesn't know the concept of the finality of death so he assumes that Samantha is "in heaven" and is lucky to be not doing any homework and chores. How's that?

When I spoke with him afterwards, he expressed the need for Lilly and I to see a therapist because we were the ones to lose a daughter. When I told him that he lost a sister, he just said that it was ok and he felt worse for us. How do I respond to that? Lilly and I are seeing the very same therapist tomorrow morning. I don't know how it'll come out but I am hoping that Lilly and I can find something good out of it. My therapy has been writing this blog and expressing my thoughts in as best a manner as possible. I've worried about Lilly this past week because she has been more distraught about our daughter's loss. It's like all of her emotions were held back for a month and a half and something inside her decided that it was time to hit her in the stomach. I feel helpless because I am unable to take away her pain, I don't even know how to take away my own pain.

All those people who say that the pain you feel from the loss of a loved one begins to fade after a month to month and a half were wrong about us. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the feeling of emptiness that it feels like someone took a knife and cut my heart out. I still have a very hard time getting up in the mornings and I probably get about 5 hours of sleep. I want to feel my daughter's hand on my face, I want to stroke her hair, I want to kiss her on her forehead, I want to see her playing with her brother, I want to hear her tell me how much she loves me and I want to hold her in my arms. What did she do to deserve this? I've never had faith, so I can't even say that my faith has wavered. I want to believe that there is an afterlife, only if to know that my daughter lives on in spirit.

I read 2 books last week, the first(Within Heaven's gates) was sent to me by a co-worker and the second(90 minutes in Heaven) I purchased. I wasn't particularly inspired by either book, each depicts a different vision of Heaven. I would say that I found the second book was more believable. My daughter's heart stopped beating for 60 minutes before the emergency doctors gave up. This guy was found to have no pulse and left for dead and he came back to life after 90 minutes. I found some small comfort in that both authors claim that they were met by family in heaven at the moment of death. I am heartend that Samantha would have been met by my father and he will be keeping her company for eternity. I still have doubts as to my destination upon my death.

I need to catch the season ending of Lost in a few minutes so I will sign off. I will try to write about my session with the therapist tomorrow. I love you Samantha.

when we last left off...

Jonathan felt much better last Friday but we decided to take him to see the pediatrician again. It was confirmed, he was indeed much better. Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky. I started getting the muscle pains Friday night and I was hoping that was was just tired from the sleep deprevation of the past month and a half. Saturday morning was the Living Memorial/Arbor day ceremonies at one of Nutley's parks. I was surprised to so many people attend, I think there were trees being planted in the memories of 25 loved ones including Samantha. There was 2 trees dedicated to Samantha's memory, a Cherry blossom and a Magnolia. I am especially looking forward to walking by the Cherry blossom in late March/early April when it blooms. Although it will be a sad reminder of the anniversary of her death, nothing is more beautiful and festive than the bloom of a Cherry blossom tree.

I got home on Saturday evening and I was ill. My body was achy, my head was pounding and the theraflu packet that I had taken was doing it job. I didn't even notice that Chris and Phil had come to stay over for Mother's day tomorrow. I fell asleep by 8pm but I tossed and turned all night. I had weird dreams that I couldn't quite remember, those are the worst kind of dreams. I've been having those a lot since Samantha's passing. I felt better on Sunday morning, Mother's day. I made Lilly fruit salad, I really do not know how to cook, Jonathan made a card. We brought our gifts to Lilly as she was getting out of bed. She didn't like the fruit salad but loved Jonathan's card. Mother's day was starting off much better than I expected. Lilly made everyone a hearty breakfast of waffles and bacon. Lilly, Chris and I had to go shopping for the day's get together with the rest of her family.

The first cry of the day belonged to Chris. We took him to the park where the Cherry blossom was planted and one thing led to another. We were all in tears and we were off to the races. I thought that this was supposed to get easier as time passed but I that the crying can not be controlled, there is no spigut to turn the water on or off. We hurried home after buying what we needed at the market, I was also starting to feel very achy again. I went straight for bed to try and get as much rest as possible before the rest of the family arrived in the afternoon. Lilly was begining to feel the effects also. I took a nap for a good 2 hours, it would have been more were it not for the sound of Jonathan screaming Megan's name. I was excited to see how the book came out. Millie had the job of binding the book and although she was disappointed by the outcome, I wasn't. She used orange cloth to cover the outside of the book and used sticker lettering to spell out the title.

We presented the book to Lilly as her Mother's day gift. She was overwhelmed to say the least. She had already read my draft and the illustrations on computer but that is nothing compared to holding the book and reading the pages. I was very impressed at the work that Rob and Millie did with the illustrations, they are truly gifted graphics artists. I know Lilly will treasure this book for a very long time. Unfortunately, this was the highlight of Mother's day. I got the chills in a bad way and had to spend the rest of the day and night in bed alternating between sweating out the flu and curling up in a ball to retain warmth. It's kind of weird but I seem to get sick almost everytime there is a family get together.

I forgot to mention one thing, the one dream or thought that I did remember on Sunday morning was getting a hug from my daughter. It was probably more of a wish on my part than anything else but I was greatful to have remembered it as I was waking.

I must have pissed off someone up there something bad!!!

The old cliche, "when it rains, it pours" seems an adequate and appropriate way to start this one. My wife went to see her doctor today, she hasn't seen a doctor(not a gyn) in 8 years. She found out that she had a heart murmur. We will need to go back for further tests next week. My son's been coughing since Sunday and today we decided to keep him away from school, so we took him to the city with us to see Lilly's doctor. He was fine all day until we got back home in the afternoon, his head was warm so I took his temperature. The reading was 100.1 on one side and 99.8 on the other, I gave him some tylenol which didn't seem to help much. I checked his temparature again about 3 hours later and it had gone up to 101 on one side and 100.8 on the other. I'm experiencing deja vous all over again. I debated rushing him to the Pediatrician's office but my wife had taken him on Monday and was told that nothing was wrong. His cough was due to allergies. I decided to wait and see how he'd respond to a second dose of tylenol. I took his temperature again an hour ago and the reading was 98.6 on one side and 98.5 on the other. What is going on? I am going to call the Pediatrician tomorrow and ask that she see us. I can take too much more of this.

I don't know how to react to news of Lilly's heart murmur, she said the doctor didn't seem too concerned. I know that a murmur is basically an irregular heart beat and the heart usually corrects itself, but what if it doesn't? Lilly and I have been together since we were 22 years old, that's 18 years of happiness. Sure there's been some rough times in those 22 years but she is my best friend. You might as well put the gun to my head now if Lilly were to leave Jonathan and me. I don't know what I would do without her. So today begs the question, who the hell did I piss off up there? Isn't it enough that my daughter was taken away from me? How much manure do I need to shovel in order to live a happy and peaceful existence?

In the middle of all the drama, Lilly and I had time to remove Samantha's bedding and bed from Jonathan's room. I'm so used to thinking of the room as Jonathan and Samantha's that the room seems so empty now. We both agreed while crying like little babies that this was the right thing to do, especially for Jonathan. He's been sleeping in his own bed this week and I stayed with him to make sure that he doesn't get scared. I think that under the circumstances tonight we will have him sleep in our bed with us. Jonathan's also beginning to open up to me about his feelings. He still misses his little sister, they were together almost every minute of every day. He is definately more lonely now that Samantha is gone. We've tried to occupy him but it will never be the same for him. He wants to watch more tv and play more with his nintendo ds game because he doesn't have someone to constantly play with him. Kids play among themselves and it's unique, we as adults have forgotten what is was like to play like kids. Playing with us is not the same for Jonathan and it worries me to no end that he will grow up the rest of his life lonely.

I wrote an earlier blog last week about a boy and his little sister and I asked Rob to help me with photo shopping pictures of Jonathan and Samantha to look like illustrations so that I can turn this blog into a picture book. I wanted to give this picture book to Lilly for Mother's day. Rob sent me a sample and I was blown away. I only hope that we can get this done in time. I think Lilly will be very happy with the work, I think it's a little sappy but it's only for her to cherish. I want her to let go of the pain and grief, she hides it very well. I've seen her interact with her friends and if I was a stranger, I would never be able to tell that her 6 year old daughter had just passed. She is an unbelievably strong person inside and she has been my rock. I only wish that I can be as strong for her as she is for me.

On a totally unrelated note, I never realized that my blog could be read by others. DUH!! I was shocked to find a comment on one of my posts a few weeks ago. I would have never thought that in a million years with the millions of blogs out there on the net, someone would actually take the time to read the thoughtless meanderings of one such as me. This person(Lily, how ironic) was actually kind enough to leave me comforting words. If you are ever back on my blog and reading this, I want to thank you for being the one person in the world who will understand in some way the journey I've taken.

1 month today

I guess this is what we do when our children pre date us in death. I find myself counting the days and marking off each week since Samantha's passing. Today was 1 month since my daughter passed. I bought 12 helium balloons and took them home so that Lilly, Jonathan, Chris(brother in law) and I could release them to the heavens. We each sent 3 balloons into the air and watched them fly high into the sky until they disappeared from sight. I began to worry that the balloons might get tangled with a bird or even worse get sucked into an airplane engine. I hope they found their way without hurting anything or anyone.

We drove into the city today, Jonathan and I were invited to a Yankee baseball game. Rob got tickets from his connections at Kodak, today was Pokemon t-shirt giveaway day. Of course we had to go, Jonathan would have been very upset if he had missed that. Rob, Shirley(sister in law), Jonathan and I had a great time, the seats were absolutely fantastic. The players seem so much bigger in person than on tv, we were sitting on the first base side of the field about 15 rows back. We were practically on the playing field. The Yankees won 5 to 0, we saw a bit of everything today. Great pitching, clutch hitting, a play at the plate(Josh Phelps just crushed the Mariner's catcher), 2 beanballs and a bench clearing skirmish. The highlight was the 7th inning stretch, Roger Clemens surprised the baseball world and announced that he has decided to pitch for the Yankees. I heard he had 28 million reasons to do so. Baseball, gotta love it.

We went out to dinner afterwards and it got very emotional. Chris started to cry while we started ordering our dinner and we all followed. I think it just hit him at that point that Samantha was not there to eat with us. I worry about Chris because he loved Samantha very much and he was partial to her more than to Jonathan. He was mad at Lilly and hadn't visited us for a month before Samantha's death. I don't know if he's feeling guilty for not having seen Samantha before she died. I want to reach out to him and let him know that he can talk to me if he wants to but he is a very private person. Lilly used to worry about him because she thought that he was lonely, I can imagine him feeling even more alone now. I want him to know that he is not alone and that we all love him very much, I hope that he will not allow the depression to creep in.

I was planning to put away her bed today but I just could not allow that to happen, especially today. I know that for Jonathan's sake it must be done but it has been hard letting go. Jonathan finally slept in his own bed yesterday but I had to sleep next to him. He has been very scared of going back into the room that he and Samantha shared. There are so many reminders in that room of my daughter, my wife and I both know that we need to start putting away her things. I don't want to bury my daughter for a third time, this will be more difficult than putting her to rest and reading the eulogy at her funeral mass. I can't take that next step yet even though I know it is a very important step in the healing process. The tears still come freely, especially in the mornings. I even cried in my sleep a few days ago, I don't remember why but I can guess. I wake up in the mornings and the last things I remember of my dreams are images of life without Samantha. There should be 4 of us and all I picture are Lilly, Jonathan and myself.

Tomorrow I get to sit with a former manager for coffee, he reached out to me the first day I went back to work. I've been feeling guilty because I would be betraying all the kindness of my current co workers. I hope that if I do change jobs, I would be doing it for the right reasons. I've been feeling trapped in a dead end job for about 5 months, a month ago I would have jumped at this sit down as an opportunity to go back to the place that I flourished in as a salesperson. I was overwhelmed when a lot of my former co workers came to the wake. The only reservation I have is that this interview is out of pity, I wouldn't want to go back under that circumstance. They've had a no rehire policy so I am more than a little suspicious of their motives but I've made it no secret that I wanted back in.

As for my current situation, the money is good and the people I work with are great. I just haven't been able to get past the fact that I was fired and rehired back in December of 2006. Getting fired is a devastating event in one's life, unfortunately for me it wasn't the first and it probably won't be the last time. I had to swallow my pride and think of putting food on the table and paying the mortgage when I was asked to come back at a greatly reduced role. I went from being Sales manager of a BMW dealership to getting a title of pre-owned manager of their MINI dealership. Not only were they generous enough to let me have a title but I was also asked to help the person replacing me do better numbers than I was doing. This person and I essentially changed places. I will never forget finding out that the people at the MINI dealership threw a party for this guy on the day I was let go. The GM is someone I followed from the other dealership 3 years ago and I feel that I still owe him for giving me my chance, but I feel a little less obligated after being fired. He has told me that I will eventually be back with BMW but I don't want to go back as a junior to the guy that replaced me. So the dilema is do I stay at a dead end job that pays ok? Or do I take a step back and be my own boss again? I would be limited to the goals that I establish for myself and I would answer only to myself if I don't exceed my own goals. I think the answer is pretty
simple.

I suppose I was an angry person before Samantha passed, I've resolved that I will no longer be angry and instead find constructive ways to disperse the anger. I want to make some sense of my own life in honor of my daughter. I will always seek more of myself instead of allowing the complacency to settle in. I will be a better husband to Lilly and give her the baby that see desparately needs. I will be a better father to my son Jonathan who has become my sole reason to exist in this world. I will no longer take this for granted, I know this is so cliched but this is so true. You cannot take life for granted because there are so many curve balls thrown at you and you have to be ready to swing for the fences every chance you get. Since it is getting very late, I will leave with those final thoughts.

The boy and his little sister

In a small town not unlike the one we live in, there lived a boy and his little sister. The two were inseparable, one could not imagine the two ever being alone. The boy always leading the way and his little sister always following. There were times when the little sister wanted to lead, like the times when they played house together. Most of the times though, the two did what the boy wanted to do. The little girl was just happy to be with her older brother and didn't really care if he sometimes didn't want her around. Sometimes she would get so mad at him that you could see the steam coming out of her ears. The funny thing was, as soon as the steam stopped coming, she was back by his side laughing and screaming for joy.



The boy would never ever admit this but he loved his little sister more than anything in the whole world. Sure, she was a pain sometimes and she was very, very loud. She wanted to tag along with him where ever he went and the crying, boy could she cry. Sometimes he got jealous because everyone and I mean everyone thought she was so cute. Why would anybody think that of her? She had crooked teeth, her hair was aways messy, she never washed her hands after going to potty and she hated to brush her teeth. He had to admit though that she was fun to play with. She always had candy, how she got it, he couldn't figure out. But he suspected that daddy was always putting the candy under her pillow in the middle of the night.



The boy and his little sister often fought over the smallest of things. Who's got more. Who gets to go first. Why can't we play with this and not that? You hit me, no you hit me first. It seemed on the outside like they could never get along but you could always tell that on the inside, they were two peas in a pod. The little sister was always lonely whenever the two were separated. She always made sure that her brother got his share whether he was there or not. A bag of candy turned into two, a party balloon became a pair and an extra sticker from the doctor's office always came home with her. An ice cream cone? Well there were certain things that were not meant to be shared.



The boy enjoyed helping his little sister draw. She loved drawing flowers and butterflies but she always had trouble with the clouds. She couldn't quite get the fluffy way in which a cloud is drawn so the boy always helped with the clouds. He also loved butterflies so he helped her with those too. They drew so many pictures that they eventually ran out of room in their house. They thought it would be fun to draw on the walls, of course this was her idea, he would never ever think of writing on mommy's walls. What about their game of tag? They couldn't run around very well with all that clutter. The little sister didn't mind, the clutter provided good cover for when they played hide and go seek. These were the times when the boy was happiest, he had his little sister and she was his best friend.



The boy and his sister loved having their mother read books to them at night. They stayed up for hours just to hear her read tales of adventure and far away lands. Their mom's voice was magic whether she read the fairy tales or book of mystery. The little sister was always first to close her eyes, she couldn't resist the call of her dreams. In her dreams, she could flutter in the air with the butterflies or lay down in a welcoming bed of flowers and smell the wondrous scents carried by a gentle breeze. She could do the most perfect cartwheels and hand stands in her dreams. The boy on the other hand lived his dreams in the books. His dreams were filled with magic carpet rides, big humongous dinosaurs, beautiful sailing ships and a world full of imaginary creatures. His dreams ended with the rising of the sun into the morning sky. The sunlit windows were a sign for his eyelids to open up. The boy hated to wake up alone so he would shake his little sister awake. She always awoke with a beautiful smile on her face, happy to see the funny faces that her brother made.



Then one morning as the boy shook away the last cobwebs of his dreams, he noticed the peaceful way in which his little sister slept. This time he felt uneasy as he walked up to shake her awake. There was no welcoming smile as he tried waking her up, he took her tiny hands in his and only felt coldness in his touch. He tried touching her beautiful face but her face too was cold. Wake up! The boy cried. Please wake up! He ran to his mother for help, he knew his mother could fix anything with a kiss. Didn't she always make his boo boos disappear with her lips? She had to make his little sister wake up, all she had to do was kiss her.



The boy was told that God needed another angel to sit by his side. Comforting words to mom and dad but not to the boy whose best friend was gone. He knew in his heart that his little sister was still laying down in the bed of flowers and taking in the wondrous scents of the gentle breeze. She was busy fluttering in the air with the butterflies and doing cartwheels and hand stands. Whenever he missed his little sister, all he had to do was look for the flowers and the butterflies to know that she was always near. As time passed, his heart warmed, his tears dried and the sadness became a distant memory. His mom still read to him but he no longer dreamt of magic carpet rides or dinosaurs or beautiful sailing ships. His dreams were of distant fields full of radiant flowers and colorful butterflies and always, always his little sister's laughter as they played tag your it....

Rest in Peace

We picked up Samantha's remains from the funeral home and drove down to Spencerville MD today. After almost a month, our daughter has been put to rest. I couldn't hold down the tears this morning as we drove to the funeral home, I was experiencing Samantha's funeral for the 2nd time. It's true what they say, a part of you dies with your child and you are never the same person. How can anyone or anything do one thing to me that is worse than taking Samantha from me? What can be worse? All the emotions of the last month came flooding back to me as we drove down to the temple. Lilly and Rob were with me and we just talked about all the memories we had of Samantha. There were a lot of laughter mixed in with the tears, I guess we needed this as much for us as it was for her.

The temple is actually a ranch home situated on an acre and 1/2 of land. The columbarium is 4 brick walls lined in a semi circle and faces the afternoon sun. Mymom, brother Charles, sister in law Kay and my cousin Willie and his wife came to witness the ceremony. The Temple is located within 10 minutes of each of them. The Urn that was specially ordered for Samantha was beautiful, it was pale and of the highest jade quality. There were inscriptions in chinese all around and Samantha's name and year of birth and death were incribed in the center. I was allowed to take her cremains from the temporary box and place it in the urn. After the Reverend sealed the urn, he chanted prayers for Samantha for about 10 minutes. During the prayers, I began to imagine her running around and doing cartwheels and climbing the trees in this back yard. I couldn't control the tears because I knew this was her telling me it that things were going to be ok. After the prayer, I took her urn and placed it inside the space provide for her on inside second box on the lower left corner of the second wall. The Reverend sealed her space with the inscription of her name and birth date and death date.

I will never stop crying for her loss but now I am comforted that her final resting place lies within the peaceful sanctuary of this temple. Although it is now a house, there are plans to build a real temple. I will be able to visit her whenever I get to visit my mom and I will take every opportunity to do so. My heart aches just a little less now that we have put her to rest. I hope that I will be able to hold my daughter once again when it is time for me to leave my life behind. I hope that her spirit is with my father's spirit, keeping each other company. I hope that she will visit us often and keep watch over us, especially her brother Jonathan. I hope that I can keep to my plan of sending her balloons of the 6th of every month. I hope that I will continue to honor her and cherish her till my death. I will try to make sense of Samantha's death and I will make something of my own life.

Putting Samantha to rest

I've been waiting anxiously for Wednesday to arrive, this is the day that Samantha's remains will be taken to Spencerville, MD. We will be entrusting her cremains to a Chinese temple to watch over her and pray for her daily. Why so long? A special urn was ordered specifically for Samantha and the Reverend picked out May 2nd as the ideal date to transfer her cremains. I hope that by finally putting her to rest, Lilly and I will have some sense of closure. We still haven't stopped crying for her loss and I doubt that the crying will ever end. I still get that empty feeling whenever I start to think about Samantha, the realization that she's no longer going to do the things that she used to do hits like a freight train.

The kindness of friends and family never ceases to amaze me. Samantha's school continues to receive donations in her memory, Mrs. Dowse the school principal told Lilly that more than $5000.00 has been received so far. We are also trying to win a contest from Pfizer for a school library makeover. Grand prize is $45,000.00 in cash and books. All the moms in kindergarten and 1st grade are getting together to prepare postcards and index cards on May 7th. Yantacaw is currently in 4th place. I figured out that we would need about 5000 entries to even come close to the 1st place school. The discouraging thing is that the 1st place school is probably half the size of our school and the points system is based on average points per student. Although we may have more total points than that school, we would have to have double the amount of points in order to be tied with them. A library makeover in Samantha's memory would be such an amazing thing to have for the children of this school and it would be a great way to keep her alive for Lilly and me.

weird happenings

Now I know I'm going crazy! I was home alone last night, my wife Lilly and my son Jonathan slept over a friends house. A really strong storm passed through NJ overnight and it was pretty awe inspiring. I tossed and turned because of the deafening rain and the very powerful thunder. At approximately 2 am, I was awakened by a vibration coming from the bed, the vibration was causing me to bounce. Needless to say I was scared and I wanted my mommy. I thought maybe the entire house was shaking so I got out of bed and placed both feet on the floor, hoping the house was causing the vibrations. Absolutely not! I placed my hand on the bed to make sure I wasn't dreaming and I could still feel the vibration. I had to run to the bathroom for fear of peeing my underwear. A part of me was wishing that it was my Samantha playing games with me from heaven to let me know that she was still with us. The rest of me got back into bed and curled up in a ball to attempt going back to sleep.

Am I crazy? I hope not but I've been lost in a fog this past week. I guess I went back to work too soon. I've gotten by at work but I'm not sharp and I've been leaving things unfinished. I am not as depressed as I was during the middle of the week, that was bad. I also haven't seen my wife and son since yesterday. I get to pick them up from the friends house tonight and I can't wait to give them a big hug. I am also relieved that I will not have to face that bed alone again.

Back to work

Went back to work on Monday. I needed to get my mind on other things besides my daughter. I think it was a mistake to go back so quickly, I don't know if it is depression setting in but I can't seem to function normally. I'm forgetful, I'm taking more time to do things and I am constantly tired. I can't get the thought of my daughter out of my head. Last weekend was the first time I've had a chance to go see my Mom since Samantha's passing. It was very emotional to say the least. She was very distraught and we cried for a long time. My mom lives alone in Olney, Md about 10 minutes from my brother. I wish that we could be closer to her but, I don't think I can live the slow pace of the suburbs. I found Samantha's music box on Monday and I didn't realize that is was broken. She never said a word. I tried fixing the box today but a part of the gear broke so it only works for about 15 seconds. I was crying for about 1 hour while I was attempting to fix it. I miss her still.

turning 40

Today is my 40th birthday. I don't feel much like celebrating, I'd give it all up to have Samantha back. I received a present from my daughter, we found it while cleaning up some of her things. She had made it and she had hid it so that she could give it to me on my birthday. I resisted the temptation to open it until today. She gave me 7 cents and 2 drawings. The 1st one is a drawing of her and her brother Jonathan playing in a field while it is raining. The 2nd picture is of a field with butterflies but she did not draw herself. I've been crying ever since. What did she mean by not drawing herself in the picture? I miss her more than life itself. Just to hear her laughing is all I want.

I am not looking to celebrate any holidays or birthdays anymore. I don't know how my wife and I will handle Mother's day. There is such a void in my wife's life right now, I don't know how she is able to get through the day. If she's anything like me, she's probably feeling alone and wanting to get our daughter back.

tears

A day has not passed that I haven't stopped crying
the void within grows longer by the day
I remember her daily and I'll never stop trying
my daughter's gone and I don't know what to say

The kisses, the hugs and the laughter's of joy
these are just some of things I can't replace
I loved her so much, all my blessings I can no longer enjoy
I cry at the memory of her beautiful face

Years of happiness turned to tears of sadness
our lives changed forever when she left us in distress
I think to myself don't get caught up in the madness
I'll always remember her in the beautiful white dress

Our little angel, she was our gift from heaven
I'm thankful for the way she smiled at me the morning that she died
I know I'll hold you again one day, exactly I don't know when
I'll cry for you always and hope that God keeps you by his side

My eulogy to Samantha on April 13th, 2007

Our daughter was born December 29th, 2000, 5 o’clock in the afternoon, during a snow storm. Out of pride, I wanted our baby to be named after me and so our daughter was named Samantha. The moment she was born, it was love at first sight. I looked into her eyes and Lilly was in trouble. I fell in love with another girl, Samantha was already daddy’s little girl. My plan was to call her Sam as she got older but she grew into her name and Samantha just seemed to fit. Like all mom’s and dad’s, we had hopes and a lot of dreams for her. At the age of 2, I knew she was going to be a child model. We took her to a few photo shoots but it didn’t work out. I could never understand how no one could see how radiant her smile was or the mischievous way her eye twinkled, like she always knew a secret you didn’t. Her smile never failed to melt my heart and take my breath away.

At 3, Samantha began collecting shoes and honed her sense for fashion. It was never about dolls and toys for her, she needed to always look her best wherever she went. It was a never ending battle with Lilly in the mornings about what she should wear, sometimes Lilly won and sometimes it was Samantha. Funny thing was Lilly and Samantha usually matched. Afterwards, Samantha would ask my opinion, “Do I look good daddy?” The answer would always be, “you look beautiful”. Samantha’s 2nd favorite thing to do was being with Jonathan. They often fought like cats and dogs, Jonathan never wanting to share and Samantha always wanting what Jonathan wanted. Samantha was born with Lilly’s stubbornness but she also possessed her mom’s tenderness and caring. She was always protective of Jonathan and she always made sure that Jonathan got his fair share of everything, especially when it came to punishment. She was quick to point her little finger at Jonathan, even for things that she did. Jonathan could never figure out what hit him. Samantha had a way of getting under Jonathan’s skin, which bordered on genius. She got that from me. Whenever she was bored, she’d do something to Jonathan and run straight to me for protection, she was daddy’s little girl.

Even now as I think about how I miss my little girl, I can’t help asking God why he would take away someone so young. In a perfect world, we should all grow old and watch our children experience the wonders of life. We should not be losing our children. I realize that I’ve known the answer for 6 years and 3 months, she was our piece of heaven, God’s gift. She loved without question and she always forgave without holding a grudge. All she had to do to brighten up a room was smile that smile of hers. She’d say hello to anyone, as if it was her job to make everyone happy. Everyone’s been telling us how sweet she was and how she was such a little angel. She'll forever be our little angel.

My Father passed away when Samantha was 3, she didn’t understand why or how but she always knew that her grandfather went to heaven. I know that she’s now holding her grandfather’s hands and looking down on us, happy to be getting all the attention. It's funny how she used to ask me when I would be joining my dad, she wanted me to keep him company in heaven. She’s probably asking my dad now when I would come to join her. I have a favorite picture of Samantha, it was taken during our failed attempt at her modeling career, and it is a picture that captured all that Samantha was in life. I look at this picture to bring back memories of her life and I am comforted that she will remain this innocent child for as long as I live.

Ever since her first day of Pre K, she loved going to class. Samantha felt so grown up to be able to go to school. She loved being around her classmates, they were all friends to her, she especially loved her teachers. Because she was born in December, she had to take 3 years of Pre K. She couldn’t wait for the 3rd year to finish. She was graduating to Kindergarten and she was ready to take it and make it her own. From her 1st day she took to Kindergarten like a fish to water, she would show me her work with pride. It seemed that everything came easy to her, she quickly made new friends and she loved doing her homework. I was amazed at how quickly she was able to complete her work. Her backpack was filled with all of her work and her library books. It used to crack me up to see her walking with her backpack on, it was as big as she was and almost as heavy. The best part was watching for her as she was let out of school, seeing the look of apprehension on her face as she scanned the street looking for my wife or myself. Making eye contact and seeing that smile of hers, radiating from the relief of knowing that we were always there to pick her up. We enrolled her this year in dance class; she was now going to be a professional dancer. She loved just to be able to put on her outfit and dance shoes, the dancing was icing on the cake. She would show me all of her moves and I would embarrass her by my laughter but the laughter was out pride for how grown up my little girl looked. We were so excited about her recital in May. I couldn’t wait to see her on stage and I knew she was going to shine. I was also nervous for her because she was accident prone like her daddy and the last thing I wanted for her was to trip on stage, something her daddy would do. This was going to be her first taste of Broadway and I had already pictured her under the limelight.

Last year her cousin Megan was born. We all fell in love with her. I was concerned for Samantha because she was no longer going to be everyone’s little girl. Her Uncle Bobby and Aunt Millie now had a daughter of their own to spoil. Her uncles Phil and Chris and her aunt Shirley had another niece to show their affection for. There was no need for the concern. Samantha was happy to have a sister and that’s what Megan was to her, her little sister. She doted on Megan like a mother hen and always competed with Jonathan to get her attention. She happily shared everyone’s love with Megan and never once complained if the baby was getting more attention than she did. I think she knew that at the end of the day, she would always get more than her fair share. She would always have Uncle Charlie, Auntie Kay and Grandma to herself. Because of Megan’s birth, Samantha had found a calling. She wanted to grow up and be a pediatrician. It was her hope and her dream. She wanted to care for babies and help them come into this world. I was already thinking to the day that I would re-mortgage the house to pay her way through school. I’ve pictured her life a thousand times, cheerleader, prom queen, voted most popular, valedictorian and god forbid a boyfriend or 2 and then to the fateful day that I would walk her down the isle to give her hand to the one she loved. I had made her promise me many, many, many times that she would have no boyfriends but she would always ask, “Not even just 1”? I knew I was in for some heart break from the day she was born, never imagining that this is how my heart would break.

I’ve not realized until now, just how many people were touched by Samantha. Always with that smile of hers and the happy way in which she’d greet someone. I understand how difficult it may seem for a child to understand that his or her friend can longer be there to be with them. I've yet to come up with a satisfactory answer to Jonathan's question of who will he play with now that Samantha is gone. She was as much a part of his life as she was mine and Lilly's. I want to thank all the parents whose children brought joy to Samantha’s life. It was our hope and dream that she grow up with each and everyone of your children. Thank you all for your compassion and caring in our time of despair, you have all helped us get to today. There is so much more that Lilly and I wish to share with you about Samantha but it would take 6 years and 3 months to finish. Samantha left us on April 6th 2007 at 5 o’clock in the afternoon; it actually snowed for a little while after she passed.

Reason for this page

My Daughter passed away on April 6th, 2007. I wanted to keep a journal in memory of Samantha so that we'll always be able to have a place to go to remember her.