a letter to my daughter

My Dearest Samantha;

It seems like just yesterday that I was holding you tight and stroking your hair as you fell asleep. I still remember the feel of your tiny hands touching my arm as your drowsey eyes lost the fight to stay awake. I can hear the laughter of your sweet, sweet voice while you were playing with your brother. I still hear you calling me for help with a difficult task. I see you trying to hide behind that big oak tree and running away screaming while I pretended to chase after you. You've been gone these long hard months and not a day went by that I haven't shed a tear. We've all missed you so, your family and all your friends. I only know now what kind of friends you made and I am amazed at how much you touched their lives. You would be proud of how much love everyone had for you and our family, I am still humbled to this day.

It may be hard for you to believe but Jonathan misses you terribly. I know, I know, he used to be very mean to you. He also loved you more than anything. He's not the same person anymore but neither are your Mom and Dad. He no longer has that sparkle in his eye, he left that with you for safe keeping I guess. He now knows the lonliness of growing up an only child. He no longer has that shadow(I don't mean to call you one in the literal sense) following him around every where he goes. I think he misses that more than even I can imagine. We try to set up more play dates with his friends and some of yours for that matter but nobody is going to even come close to replacing you. I've noticed that he now treats the girls with a lot more gentleness than before and I think it's because of all the hugs he gets. He's not doing as well in school, he says he has a hard time concentrating on his tests. His temper, you remember it well don't you? Well his temper gets out of control and he becomes much more vocal and expressive. He reminds me of you when you used to throw those temper tantrums. I know he's selfish and self centered but what 7 year old isn't? The good news is that someone yesterday told us that your brother has a kind face and he will be lucky in life. This same person didn't have quite as good an opinion of you or your Mom. All I'm going to say is that I wouldn't have been letting you out of the house too many times if you had the pleasure of growing up.

As for your Mom, I cry for her too because she is so sad and heartbroken by your passing. You may not have appreciated it but you were everything in the world to her. A mini Mommmy. You were an exact copy of her in her childhood, a beautiful, caring, smart, demanding and sassy little girl. Your mom may have been strict and mean and anything else that you might have thought but she loved and cared for you from the time you were born til the day you left. She continues to blame herself and thinks that you are mad at her for letting you go. I've told her many times that what happened was not her fault, no one could have possibly know how you were feeling except for you. I know the person you were and you hardly ever complained. You were always too busy worrying about others weren't you? You got that from Mommy. The mornings are especially difficult for the both of us, morning was the only time of the week that we could gather as a family even if it was for a couple of hours. Jonathan would wake you up to play, I would sit on the toilet while you tried hold that button nose of yours while brushing your teeth. Mommy would always get into an argument with you about what you would wear for the day. The best part of my day, ironically, was saying goodbye to you and Jonathan and giving you both big hugs and kisses.

Your Mom and I both wonder how you are doing and I can't help but think that you and Grandpa are having a great time together. I was worried about you being lonely at first but I'm quite sure that you have had no problem making friends with the other angels. Please do me one favor and keep an eye out on your brother, he's all we have left to remind us of you. I know I don't have to ask this of you but it would also be nice if you can watch over your friends too. I promise to come see you one day but you have to be patient, it might be for a visit or a permanent stay. I would appreciate a good word or two to the people in charge.

With love in my heart and tears in my eyes,

Daddy