1 month today

I guess this is what we do when our children pre date us in death. I find myself counting the days and marking off each week since Samantha's passing. Today was 1 month since my daughter passed. I bought 12 helium balloons and took them home so that Lilly, Jonathan, Chris(brother in law) and I could release them to the heavens. We each sent 3 balloons into the air and watched them fly high into the sky until they disappeared from sight. I began to worry that the balloons might get tangled with a bird or even worse get sucked into an airplane engine. I hope they found their way without hurting anything or anyone.

We drove into the city today, Jonathan and I were invited to a Yankee baseball game. Rob got tickets from his connections at Kodak, today was Pokemon t-shirt giveaway day. Of course we had to go, Jonathan would have been very upset if he had missed that. Rob, Shirley(sister in law), Jonathan and I had a great time, the seats were absolutely fantastic. The players seem so much bigger in person than on tv, we were sitting on the first base side of the field about 15 rows back. We were practically on the playing field. The Yankees won 5 to 0, we saw a bit of everything today. Great pitching, clutch hitting, a play at the plate(Josh Phelps just crushed the Mariner's catcher), 2 beanballs and a bench clearing skirmish. The highlight was the 7th inning stretch, Roger Clemens surprised the baseball world and announced that he has decided to pitch for the Yankees. I heard he had 28 million reasons to do so. Baseball, gotta love it.

We went out to dinner afterwards and it got very emotional. Chris started to cry while we started ordering our dinner and we all followed. I think it just hit him at that point that Samantha was not there to eat with us. I worry about Chris because he loved Samantha very much and he was partial to her more than to Jonathan. He was mad at Lilly and hadn't visited us for a month before Samantha's death. I don't know if he's feeling guilty for not having seen Samantha before she died. I want to reach out to him and let him know that he can talk to me if he wants to but he is a very private person. Lilly used to worry about him because she thought that he was lonely, I can imagine him feeling even more alone now. I want him to know that he is not alone and that we all love him very much, I hope that he will not allow the depression to creep in.

I was planning to put away her bed today but I just could not allow that to happen, especially today. I know that for Jonathan's sake it must be done but it has been hard letting go. Jonathan finally slept in his own bed yesterday but I had to sleep next to him. He has been very scared of going back into the room that he and Samantha shared. There are so many reminders in that room of my daughter, my wife and I both know that we need to start putting away her things. I don't want to bury my daughter for a third time, this will be more difficult than putting her to rest and reading the eulogy at her funeral mass. I can't take that next step yet even though I know it is a very important step in the healing process. The tears still come freely, especially in the mornings. I even cried in my sleep a few days ago, I don't remember why but I can guess. I wake up in the mornings and the last things I remember of my dreams are images of life without Samantha. There should be 4 of us and all I picture are Lilly, Jonathan and myself.

Tomorrow I get to sit with a former manager for coffee, he reached out to me the first day I went back to work. I've been feeling guilty because I would be betraying all the kindness of my current co workers. I hope that if I do change jobs, I would be doing it for the right reasons. I've been feeling trapped in a dead end job for about 5 months, a month ago I would have jumped at this sit down as an opportunity to go back to the place that I flourished in as a salesperson. I was overwhelmed when a lot of my former co workers came to the wake. The only reservation I have is that this interview is out of pity, I wouldn't want to go back under that circumstance. They've had a no rehire policy so I am more than a little suspicious of their motives but I've made it no secret that I wanted back in.

As for my current situation, the money is good and the people I work with are great. I just haven't been able to get past the fact that I was fired and rehired back in December of 2006. Getting fired is a devastating event in one's life, unfortunately for me it wasn't the first and it probably won't be the last time. I had to swallow my pride and think of putting food on the table and paying the mortgage when I was asked to come back at a greatly reduced role. I went from being Sales manager of a BMW dealership to getting a title of pre-owned manager of their MINI dealership. Not only were they generous enough to let me have a title but I was also asked to help the person replacing me do better numbers than I was doing. This person and I essentially changed places. I will never forget finding out that the people at the MINI dealership threw a party for this guy on the day I was let go. The GM is someone I followed from the other dealership 3 years ago and I feel that I still owe him for giving me my chance, but I feel a little less obligated after being fired. He has told me that I will eventually be back with BMW but I don't want to go back as a junior to the guy that replaced me. So the dilema is do I stay at a dead end job that pays ok? Or do I take a step back and be my own boss again? I would be limited to the goals that I establish for myself and I would answer only to myself if I don't exceed my own goals. I think the answer is pretty
simple.

I suppose I was an angry person before Samantha passed, I've resolved that I will no longer be angry and instead find constructive ways to disperse the anger. I want to make some sense of my own life in honor of my daughter. I will always seek more of myself instead of allowing the complacency to settle in. I will be a better husband to Lilly and give her the baby that see desparately needs. I will be a better father to my son Jonathan who has become my sole reason to exist in this world. I will no longer take this for granted, I know this is so cliched but this is so true. You cannot take life for granted because there are so many curve balls thrown at you and you have to be ready to swing for the fences every chance you get. Since it is getting very late, I will leave with those final thoughts.