I received the best present a dad can get yesterday, a memento album that was filled with all the heartfelt wishes and condolences from Samantha's funeral. Our friends Kelly and Robert invited us over their house to pick it up. I had forgotten that Kelly has taken it upon herself to put the album together, she did an amazing job. There were pictures in the pages of Samantha and her friends and the best part were the messages from the children. I know that as these children get older, Samantha will become a distant memory but I am hoping that a few will be able to look back as adults and remember that she touched their lives in some way. I know I've said this before and I don't mind repeating it, Lilly and I have been blessed with these unbelievably caring friends who have opened up their homes, hearts and arms to us. Kelly and Robert have 3 absolutely beautiful girls who bring joy to Lilly whenever she sees them and yesterday was no different. For the 15 minutes we were there, I could no longer see the sadness that's been permanently etched on my wife's face. Even Jonathan was happy to be around Raquel, Ava and Grace. I've never asked but I'd venture to guess that their Mom or Dad or both are fans of the movie starlets that share their first names.
I spent a few hours on new Origami yesterday and we went to the memorial trees to clean up the old ones and add the new ones. The new ones are very colorful and they stand out, I hope that they will bring some joy to everyone that sees them. Lilly and I couldn't help but notice the strange looks we were getting from people passing by but we didn't care. So what if it's a little strange to decorate a tree in the middle of June? The tree's not embarrassed by it. I will continue to add new Origami figures for as long as the trees don't complain. They are my way of relieving the stress of every day life and an expression of my grief over the loss of my daughter. The releasing of balloons, writing this blog and the Origami have all helped to ease me through the grief process that many find daunting.
Our Disney trip is less than 3 weeks away and I can't seem to get too excited about going. We are going to stay with Rob and Millie's at their time share, they have a 2 bedroom reserved. I keep thinking back to last year's trip and how happy Samantha was to be around all the characters. I hope we can make new memories for Jonathan. He really needs a break from everything. I just want him to be a kid and enjoy the sensory overload that a trip to Disney brings. I wish that I could have just taken him out of school for the rest of the year and given him a pass until third grade. His whole life has been turned on it's head and we can only watch helplessly while he struggles through this rocky road. I want so badly to put him on my back and walk through life for him but I know that's not what he needs. I worry that he's gone to a place in his head and a part of him does not want to come back out. Speaking of the monkey, I am being summoned to his bedroom to read him a bedtime story.
Toni, I wanted to thank you for being one of the few people on earth who read my very personal thoughts. Please don't share this with anyone else you know, I'd hate for anyone else to know that I walk around with voices in my head. Lilly doesn't even know yet.
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Your secret is safe with me. I hope you don't mind me reading this, but it helps me try to understand and I will do anything for you to help you through this difficult time. I know writing helps you rather than talking about it and I don't want you to go through this by yourself. I am grieving along with you through the blog so you won't be alone. It's like talking to me without physically talking and if there is anything else I can do, I will do it.
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