therapists, who needs them?

Jonathan had an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday. He wasn't very happy to see her but he sat through the session like a trooper. He didn't cooperate very much and expressed to the therapist that the session was a waste of time. After 30 minutes, the therapist ended the session and told Lilly that Jonathan needs time. Well damn!!! Is that all? I think I could have done a better job than that. Well let's see, Jonathan is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder due to the fact that he witnessed his sister's death. He doesn't know the concept of the finality of death so he assumes that Samantha is "in heaven" and is lucky to be not doing any homework and chores. How's that?

When I spoke with him afterwards, he expressed the need for Lilly and I to see a therapist because we were the ones to lose a daughter. When I told him that he lost a sister, he just said that it was ok and he felt worse for us. How do I respond to that? Lilly and I are seeing the very same therapist tomorrow morning. I don't know how it'll come out but I am hoping that Lilly and I can find something good out of it. My therapy has been writing this blog and expressing my thoughts in as best a manner as possible. I've worried about Lilly this past week because she has been more distraught about our daughter's loss. It's like all of her emotions were held back for a month and a half and something inside her decided that it was time to hit her in the stomach. I feel helpless because I am unable to take away her pain, I don't even know how to take away my own pain.

All those people who say that the pain you feel from the loss of a loved one begins to fade after a month to month and a half were wrong about us. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the feeling of emptiness that it feels like someone took a knife and cut my heart out. I still have a very hard time getting up in the mornings and I probably get about 5 hours of sleep. I want to feel my daughter's hand on my face, I want to stroke her hair, I want to kiss her on her forehead, I want to see her playing with her brother, I want to hear her tell me how much she loves me and I want to hold her in my arms. What did she do to deserve this? I've never had faith, so I can't even say that my faith has wavered. I want to believe that there is an afterlife, only if to know that my daughter lives on in spirit.

I read 2 books last week, the first(Within Heaven's gates) was sent to me by a co-worker and the second(90 minutes in Heaven) I purchased. I wasn't particularly inspired by either book, each depicts a different vision of Heaven. I would say that I found the second book was more believable. My daughter's heart stopped beating for 60 minutes before the emergency doctors gave up. This guy was found to have no pulse and left for dead and he came back to life after 90 minutes. I found some small comfort in that both authors claim that they were met by family in heaven at the moment of death. I am heartend that Samantha would have been met by my father and he will be keeping her company for eternity. I still have doubts as to my destination upon my death.

I need to catch the season ending of Lost in a few minutes so I will sign off. I will try to write about my session with the therapist tomorrow. I love you Samantha.