I must have pissed off someone up there something bad!!!

The old cliche, "when it rains, it pours" seems an adequate and appropriate way to start this one. My wife went to see her doctor today, she hasn't seen a doctor(not a gyn) in 8 years. She found out that she had a heart murmur. We will need to go back for further tests next week. My son's been coughing since Sunday and today we decided to keep him away from school, so we took him to the city with us to see Lilly's doctor. He was fine all day until we got back home in the afternoon, his head was warm so I took his temperature. The reading was 100.1 on one side and 99.8 on the other, I gave him some tylenol which didn't seem to help much. I checked his temparature again about 3 hours later and it had gone up to 101 on one side and 100.8 on the other. I'm experiencing deja vous all over again. I debated rushing him to the Pediatrician's office but my wife had taken him on Monday and was told that nothing was wrong. His cough was due to allergies. I decided to wait and see how he'd respond to a second dose of tylenol. I took his temperature again an hour ago and the reading was 98.6 on one side and 98.5 on the other. What is going on? I am going to call the Pediatrician tomorrow and ask that she see us. I can take too much more of this.

I don't know how to react to news of Lilly's heart murmur, she said the doctor didn't seem too concerned. I know that a murmur is basically an irregular heart beat and the heart usually corrects itself, but what if it doesn't? Lilly and I have been together since we were 22 years old, that's 18 years of happiness. Sure there's been some rough times in those 22 years but she is my best friend. You might as well put the gun to my head now if Lilly were to leave Jonathan and me. I don't know what I would do without her. So today begs the question, who the hell did I piss off up there? Isn't it enough that my daughter was taken away from me? How much manure do I need to shovel in order to live a happy and peaceful existence?

In the middle of all the drama, Lilly and I had time to remove Samantha's bedding and bed from Jonathan's room. I'm so used to thinking of the room as Jonathan and Samantha's that the room seems so empty now. We both agreed while crying like little babies that this was the right thing to do, especially for Jonathan. He's been sleeping in his own bed this week and I stayed with him to make sure that he doesn't get scared. I think that under the circumstances tonight we will have him sleep in our bed with us. Jonathan's also beginning to open up to me about his feelings. He still misses his little sister, they were together almost every minute of every day. He is definately more lonely now that Samantha is gone. We've tried to occupy him but it will never be the same for him. He wants to watch more tv and play more with his nintendo ds game because he doesn't have someone to constantly play with him. Kids play among themselves and it's unique, we as adults have forgotten what is was like to play like kids. Playing with us is not the same for Jonathan and it worries me to no end that he will grow up the rest of his life lonely.

I wrote an earlier blog last week about a boy and his little sister and I asked Rob to help me with photo shopping pictures of Jonathan and Samantha to look like illustrations so that I can turn this blog into a picture book. I wanted to give this picture book to Lilly for Mother's day. Rob sent me a sample and I was blown away. I only hope that we can get this done in time. I think Lilly will be very happy with the work, I think it's a little sappy but it's only for her to cherish. I want her to let go of the pain and grief, she hides it very well. I've seen her interact with her friends and if I was a stranger, I would never be able to tell that her 6 year old daughter had just passed. She is an unbelievably strong person inside and she has been my rock. I only wish that I can be as strong for her as she is for me.

On a totally unrelated note, I never realized that my blog could be read by others. DUH!! I was shocked to find a comment on one of my posts a few weeks ago. I would have never thought that in a million years with the millions of blogs out there on the net, someone would actually take the time to read the thoughtless meanderings of one such as me. This person(Lily, how ironic) was actually kind enough to leave me comforting words. If you are ever back on my blog and reading this, I want to thank you for being the one person in the world who will understand in some way the journey I've taken.