I've asked this question of myself repeatedly. Why us? Why did our daughter have to die? I know death is the ultimate end and we are all pre destined to it but why did our daughter have to be taken? Were we bad parents? Did we neglect to take care of her? Was someone so angry with us that he decided it was right to take Samantha? It all seems so pointless to me now. Wasn't the reason for my being here on earth to be a father to my children so that they may have their own children? Why is it so hard for a priest to explain to me why God would take my little girl? There has been no words from anyone that has removed the hopelessness that I feel. I don't wish to give up on life, I still have my wife and son to love. It just seems that life is giving up on me.
I was at Barnes and Nobel yesterday and I browsed through the religion section. I was hoping to find some answers in a book. I was so sure I would find something that I found myself listening to myself tell picking out titles. I found a book written by an angel(yeah I know, you don't have to say it), I was fascinated enough by the title that I picked it up to read. I actually read a few chapters and I found the book fascinating. What I read told me that we all have inner voices that speak to us and guide us, we are so busy with our daily routines that we often block out these voices. I know I'm going to sound psychotic but I speak to my self every day and it's been going on for as long as I remember. We think of these voices as nothing but random thoughts and notes to ourselves but what if there really is a spirit or angel if you will speaking to us? I know, I know, it's a reach and I'm grasping a straws to this point but what if? Haven't you had an inkling, a thought or action that you attributed to instinct or how about that feeling of deja vu?
I often have dialogues with myself over daily decisions, most people would characterize this as normal thought processes. I thought so too. I've often discarded ideas or suppressed urges to take action by thinking the thought crazy or being too shy. I should have listened to myself the morning my daughter died, I could have saved her life if I had just taken her to the doctor. Will I jump off the building if that little voice in my head tells me to? Hell no! Will I be more apt to listen? Yes! Am I going crazy over Samantha? How can I not? I've re-read what I wrote and I seem to have a lot of questions and very little faith. I totally agree with that statement. I want to believe so badly in the love of God, if only to know that he has taken Samantha into his kingdom. I want to believe that her spirit still exists and thrives in a place with no hate, no hunger, no disease, no want, no madness and no death. I've often asked customer's buying cars from me to take a leap of faith when making a buying decision. I have been unable to take that leap of faith with God, everything tells me to turn away. I had a conversation with Beverly, the person who sent me the book, Within Heaven's Gates. I asked her if she believed the what was written in the book and without hesitation she said yes. I could see in her face that she truly believed, I told her I was envious. Is the Kingdom of God only available to those who believe? Is it truly that easy to be a bad person all your life and then be accepted to heaven by accepting Jesus's mercy?
Monday, May 28, 2007
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
therapists, who needs them?
Jonathan had an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday. He wasn't very happy to see her but he sat through the session like a trooper. He didn't cooperate very much and expressed to the therapist that the session was a waste of time. After 30 minutes, the therapist ended the session and told Lilly that Jonathan needs time. Well damn!!! Is that all? I think I could have done a better job than that. Well let's see, Jonathan is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder due to the fact that he witnessed his sister's death. He doesn't know the concept of the finality of death so he assumes that Samantha is "in heaven" and is lucky to be not doing any homework and chores. How's that?
When I spoke with him afterwards, he expressed the need for Lilly and I to see a therapist because we were the ones to lose a daughter. When I told him that he lost a sister, he just said that it was ok and he felt worse for us. How do I respond to that? Lilly and I are seeing the very same therapist tomorrow morning. I don't know how it'll come out but I am hoping that Lilly and I can find something good out of it. My therapy has been writing this blog and expressing my thoughts in as best a manner as possible. I've worried about Lilly this past week because she has been more distraught about our daughter's loss. It's like all of her emotions were held back for a month and a half and something inside her decided that it was time to hit her in the stomach. I feel helpless because I am unable to take away her pain, I don't even know how to take away my own pain.
All those people who say that the pain you feel from the loss of a loved one begins to fade after a month to month and a half were wrong about us. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the feeling of emptiness that it feels like someone took a knife and cut my heart out. I still have a very hard time getting up in the mornings and I probably get about 5 hours of sleep. I want to feel my daughter's hand on my face, I want to stroke her hair, I want to kiss her on her forehead, I want to see her playing with her brother, I want to hear her tell me how much she loves me and I want to hold her in my arms. What did she do to deserve this? I've never had faith, so I can't even say that my faith has wavered. I want to believe that there is an afterlife, only if to know that my daughter lives on in spirit.
I read 2 books last week, the first(Within Heaven's gates) was sent to me by a co-worker and the second(90 minutes in Heaven) I purchased. I wasn't particularly inspired by either book, each depicts a different vision of Heaven. I would say that I found the second book was more believable. My daughter's heart stopped beating for 60 minutes before the emergency doctors gave up. This guy was found to have no pulse and left for dead and he came back to life after 90 minutes. I found some small comfort in that both authors claim that they were met by family in heaven at the moment of death. I am heartend that Samantha would have been met by my father and he will be keeping her company for eternity. I still have doubts as to my destination upon my death.
I need to catch the season ending of Lost in a few minutes so I will sign off. I will try to write about my session with the therapist tomorrow. I love you Samantha.
When I spoke with him afterwards, he expressed the need for Lilly and I to see a therapist because we were the ones to lose a daughter. When I told him that he lost a sister, he just said that it was ok and he felt worse for us. How do I respond to that? Lilly and I are seeing the very same therapist tomorrow morning. I don't know how it'll come out but I am hoping that Lilly and I can find something good out of it. My therapy has been writing this blog and expressing my thoughts in as best a manner as possible. I've worried about Lilly this past week because she has been more distraught about our daughter's loss. It's like all of her emotions were held back for a month and a half and something inside her decided that it was time to hit her in the stomach. I feel helpless because I am unable to take away her pain, I don't even know how to take away my own pain.
All those people who say that the pain you feel from the loss of a loved one begins to fade after a month to month and a half were wrong about us. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by the feeling of emptiness that it feels like someone took a knife and cut my heart out. I still have a very hard time getting up in the mornings and I probably get about 5 hours of sleep. I want to feel my daughter's hand on my face, I want to stroke her hair, I want to kiss her on her forehead, I want to see her playing with her brother, I want to hear her tell me how much she loves me and I want to hold her in my arms. What did she do to deserve this? I've never had faith, so I can't even say that my faith has wavered. I want to believe that there is an afterlife, only if to know that my daughter lives on in spirit.
I read 2 books last week, the first(Within Heaven's gates) was sent to me by a co-worker and the second(90 minutes in Heaven) I purchased. I wasn't particularly inspired by either book, each depicts a different vision of Heaven. I would say that I found the second book was more believable. My daughter's heart stopped beating for 60 minutes before the emergency doctors gave up. This guy was found to have no pulse and left for dead and he came back to life after 90 minutes. I found some small comfort in that both authors claim that they were met by family in heaven at the moment of death. I am heartend that Samantha would have been met by my father and he will be keeping her company for eternity. I still have doubts as to my destination upon my death.
I need to catch the season ending of Lost in a few minutes so I will sign off. I will try to write about my session with the therapist tomorrow. I love you Samantha.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
when we last left off...
Jonathan felt much better last Friday but we decided to take him to see the pediatrician again. It was confirmed, he was indeed much better. Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky. I started getting the muscle pains Friday night and I was hoping that was was just tired from the sleep deprevation of the past month and a half. Saturday morning was the Living Memorial/Arbor day ceremonies at one of Nutley's parks. I was surprised to so many people attend, I think there were trees being planted in the memories of 25 loved ones including Samantha. There was 2 trees dedicated to Samantha's memory, a Cherry blossom and a Magnolia. I am especially looking forward to walking by the Cherry blossom in late March/early April when it blooms. Although it will be a sad reminder of the anniversary of her death, nothing is more beautiful and festive than the bloom of a Cherry blossom tree.
I got home on Saturday evening and I was ill. My body was achy, my head was pounding and the theraflu packet that I had taken was doing it job. I didn't even notice that Chris and Phil had come to stay over for Mother's day tomorrow. I fell asleep by 8pm but I tossed and turned all night. I had weird dreams that I couldn't quite remember, those are the worst kind of dreams. I've been having those a lot since Samantha's passing. I felt better on Sunday morning, Mother's day. I made Lilly fruit salad, I really do not know how to cook, Jonathan made a card. We brought our gifts to Lilly as she was getting out of bed. She didn't like the fruit salad but loved Jonathan's card. Mother's day was starting off much better than I expected. Lilly made everyone a hearty breakfast of waffles and bacon. Lilly, Chris and I had to go shopping for the day's get together with the rest of her family.
The first cry of the day belonged to Chris. We took him to the park where the Cherry blossom was planted and one thing led to another. We were all in tears and we were off to the races. I thought that this was supposed to get easier as time passed but I that the crying can not be controlled, there is no spigut to turn the water on or off. We hurried home after buying what we needed at the market, I was also starting to feel very achy again. I went straight for bed to try and get as much rest as possible before the rest of the family arrived in the afternoon. Lilly was begining to feel the effects also. I took a nap for a good 2 hours, it would have been more were it not for the sound of Jonathan screaming Megan's name. I was excited to see how the book came out. Millie had the job of binding the book and although she was disappointed by the outcome, I wasn't. She used orange cloth to cover the outside of the book and used sticker lettering to spell out the title.
We presented the book to Lilly as her Mother's day gift. She was overwhelmed to say the least. She had already read my draft and the illustrations on computer but that is nothing compared to holding the book and reading the pages. I was very impressed at the work that Rob and Millie did with the illustrations, they are truly gifted graphics artists. I know Lilly will treasure this book for a very long time. Unfortunately, this was the highlight of Mother's day. I got the chills in a bad way and had to spend the rest of the day and night in bed alternating between sweating out the flu and curling up in a ball to retain warmth. It's kind of weird but I seem to get sick almost everytime there is a family get together.
I forgot to mention one thing, the one dream or thought that I did remember on Sunday morning was getting a hug from my daughter. It was probably more of a wish on my part than anything else but I was greatful to have remembered it as I was waking.
I got home on Saturday evening and I was ill. My body was achy, my head was pounding and the theraflu packet that I had taken was doing it job. I didn't even notice that Chris and Phil had come to stay over for Mother's day tomorrow. I fell asleep by 8pm but I tossed and turned all night. I had weird dreams that I couldn't quite remember, those are the worst kind of dreams. I've been having those a lot since Samantha's passing. I felt better on Sunday morning, Mother's day. I made Lilly fruit salad, I really do not know how to cook, Jonathan made a card. We brought our gifts to Lilly as she was getting out of bed. She didn't like the fruit salad but loved Jonathan's card. Mother's day was starting off much better than I expected. Lilly made everyone a hearty breakfast of waffles and bacon. Lilly, Chris and I had to go shopping for the day's get together with the rest of her family.
The first cry of the day belonged to Chris. We took him to the park where the Cherry blossom was planted and one thing led to another. We were all in tears and we were off to the races. I thought that this was supposed to get easier as time passed but I that the crying can not be controlled, there is no spigut to turn the water on or off. We hurried home after buying what we needed at the market, I was also starting to feel very achy again. I went straight for bed to try and get as much rest as possible before the rest of the family arrived in the afternoon. Lilly was begining to feel the effects also. I took a nap for a good 2 hours, it would have been more were it not for the sound of Jonathan screaming Megan's name. I was excited to see how the book came out. Millie had the job of binding the book and although she was disappointed by the outcome, I wasn't. She used orange cloth to cover the outside of the book and used sticker lettering to spell out the title.
We presented the book to Lilly as her Mother's day gift. She was overwhelmed to say the least. She had already read my draft and the illustrations on computer but that is nothing compared to holding the book and reading the pages. I was very impressed at the work that Rob and Millie did with the illustrations, they are truly gifted graphics artists. I know Lilly will treasure this book for a very long time. Unfortunately, this was the highlight of Mother's day. I got the chills in a bad way and had to spend the rest of the day and night in bed alternating between sweating out the flu and curling up in a ball to retain warmth. It's kind of weird but I seem to get sick almost everytime there is a family get together.
I forgot to mention one thing, the one dream or thought that I did remember on Sunday morning was getting a hug from my daughter. It was probably more of a wish on my part than anything else but I was greatful to have remembered it as I was waking.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
I must have pissed off someone up there something bad!!!
The old cliche, "when it rains, it pours" seems an adequate and appropriate way to start this one. My wife went to see her doctor today, she hasn't seen a doctor(not a gyn) in 8 years. She found out that she had a heart murmur. We will need to go back for further tests next week. My son's been coughing since Sunday and today we decided to keep him away from school, so we took him to the city with us to see Lilly's doctor. He was fine all day until we got back home in the afternoon, his head was warm so I took his temperature. The reading was 100.1 on one side and 99.8 on the other, I gave him some tylenol which didn't seem to help much. I checked his temparature again about 3 hours later and it had gone up to 101 on one side and 100.8 on the other. I'm experiencing deja vous all over again. I debated rushing him to the Pediatrician's office but my wife had taken him on Monday and was told that nothing was wrong. His cough was due to allergies. I decided to wait and see how he'd respond to a second dose of tylenol. I took his temperature again an hour ago and the reading was 98.6 on one side and 98.5 on the other. What is going on? I am going to call the Pediatrician tomorrow and ask that she see us. I can take too much more of this.
I don't know how to react to news of Lilly's heart murmur, she said the doctor didn't seem too concerned. I know that a murmur is basically an irregular heart beat and the heart usually corrects itself, but what if it doesn't? Lilly and I have been together since we were 22 years old, that's 18 years of happiness. Sure there's been some rough times in those 22 years but she is my best friend. You might as well put the gun to my head now if Lilly were to leave Jonathan and me. I don't know what I would do without her. So today begs the question, who the hell did I piss off up there? Isn't it enough that my daughter was taken away from me? How much manure do I need to shovel in order to live a happy and peaceful existence?
In the middle of all the drama, Lilly and I had time to remove Samantha's bedding and bed from Jonathan's room. I'm so used to thinking of the room as Jonathan and Samantha's that the room seems so empty now. We both agreed while crying like little babies that this was the right thing to do, especially for Jonathan. He's been sleeping in his own bed this week and I stayed with him to make sure that he doesn't get scared. I think that under the circumstances tonight we will have him sleep in our bed with us. Jonathan's also beginning to open up to me about his feelings. He still misses his little sister, they were together almost every minute of every day. He is definately more lonely now that Samantha is gone. We've tried to occupy him but it will never be the same for him. He wants to watch more tv and play more with his nintendo ds game because he doesn't have someone to constantly play with him. Kids play among themselves and it's unique, we as adults have forgotten what is was like to play like kids. Playing with us is not the same for Jonathan and it worries me to no end that he will grow up the rest of his life lonely.
I wrote an earlier blog last week about a boy and his little sister and I asked Rob to help me with photo shopping pictures of Jonathan and Samantha to look like illustrations so that I can turn this blog into a picture book. I wanted to give this picture book to Lilly for Mother's day. Rob sent me a sample and I was blown away. I only hope that we can get this done in time. I think Lilly will be very happy with the work, I think it's a little sappy but it's only for her to cherish. I want her to let go of the pain and grief, she hides it very well. I've seen her interact with her friends and if I was a stranger, I would never be able to tell that her 6 year old daughter had just passed. She is an unbelievably strong person inside and she has been my rock. I only wish that I can be as strong for her as she is for me.
On a totally unrelated note, I never realized that my blog could be read by others. DUH!! I was shocked to find a comment on one of my posts a few weeks ago. I would have never thought that in a million years with the millions of blogs out there on the net, someone would actually take the time to read the thoughtless meanderings of one such as me. This person(Lily, how ironic) was actually kind enough to leave me comforting words. If you are ever back on my blog and reading this, I want to thank you for being the one person in the world who will understand in some way the journey I've taken.
I don't know how to react to news of Lilly's heart murmur, she said the doctor didn't seem too concerned. I know that a murmur is basically an irregular heart beat and the heart usually corrects itself, but what if it doesn't? Lilly and I have been together since we were 22 years old, that's 18 years of happiness. Sure there's been some rough times in those 22 years but she is my best friend. You might as well put the gun to my head now if Lilly were to leave Jonathan and me. I don't know what I would do without her. So today begs the question, who the hell did I piss off up there? Isn't it enough that my daughter was taken away from me? How much manure do I need to shovel in order to live a happy and peaceful existence?
In the middle of all the drama, Lilly and I had time to remove Samantha's bedding and bed from Jonathan's room. I'm so used to thinking of the room as Jonathan and Samantha's that the room seems so empty now. We both agreed while crying like little babies that this was the right thing to do, especially for Jonathan. He's been sleeping in his own bed this week and I stayed with him to make sure that he doesn't get scared. I think that under the circumstances tonight we will have him sleep in our bed with us. Jonathan's also beginning to open up to me about his feelings. He still misses his little sister, they were together almost every minute of every day. He is definately more lonely now that Samantha is gone. We've tried to occupy him but it will never be the same for him. He wants to watch more tv and play more with his nintendo ds game because he doesn't have someone to constantly play with him. Kids play among themselves and it's unique, we as adults have forgotten what is was like to play like kids. Playing with us is not the same for Jonathan and it worries me to no end that he will grow up the rest of his life lonely.
I wrote an earlier blog last week about a boy and his little sister and I asked Rob to help me with photo shopping pictures of Jonathan and Samantha to look like illustrations so that I can turn this blog into a picture book. I wanted to give this picture book to Lilly for Mother's day. Rob sent me a sample and I was blown away. I only hope that we can get this done in time. I think Lilly will be very happy with the work, I think it's a little sappy but it's only for her to cherish. I want her to let go of the pain and grief, she hides it very well. I've seen her interact with her friends and if I was a stranger, I would never be able to tell that her 6 year old daughter had just passed. She is an unbelievably strong person inside and she has been my rock. I only wish that I can be as strong for her as she is for me.
On a totally unrelated note, I never realized that my blog could be read by others. DUH!! I was shocked to find a comment on one of my posts a few weeks ago. I would have never thought that in a million years with the millions of blogs out there on the net, someone would actually take the time to read the thoughtless meanderings of one such as me. This person(Lily, how ironic) was actually kind enough to leave me comforting words. If you are ever back on my blog and reading this, I want to thank you for being the one person in the world who will understand in some way the journey I've taken.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
1 month today
I guess this is what we do when our children pre date us in death. I find myself counting the days and marking off each week since Samantha's passing. Today was 1 month since my daughter passed. I bought 12 helium balloons and took them home so that Lilly, Jonathan, Chris(brother in law) and I could release them to the heavens. We each sent 3 balloons into the air and watched them fly high into the sky until they disappeared from sight. I began to worry that the balloons might get tangled with a bird or even worse get sucked into an airplane engine. I hope they found their way without hurting anything or anyone.
We drove into the city today, Jonathan and I were invited to a Yankee baseball game. Rob got tickets from his connections at Kodak, today was Pokemon t-shirt giveaway day. Of course we had to go, Jonathan would have been very upset if he had missed that. Rob, Shirley(sister in law), Jonathan and I had a great time, the seats were absolutely fantastic. The players seem so much bigger in person than on tv, we were sitting on the first base side of the field about 15 rows back. We were practically on the playing field. The Yankees won 5 to 0, we saw a bit of everything today. Great pitching, clutch hitting, a play at the plate(Josh Phelps just crushed the Mariner's catcher), 2 beanballs and a bench clearing skirmish. The highlight was the 7th inning stretch, Roger Clemens surprised the baseball world and announced that he has decided to pitch for the Yankees. I heard he had 28 million reasons to do so. Baseball, gotta love it.
We went out to dinner afterwards and it got very emotional. Chris started to cry while we started ordering our dinner and we all followed. I think it just hit him at that point that Samantha was not there to eat with us. I worry about Chris because he loved Samantha very much and he was partial to her more than to Jonathan. He was mad at Lilly and hadn't visited us for a month before Samantha's death. I don't know if he's feeling guilty for not having seen Samantha before she died. I want to reach out to him and let him know that he can talk to me if he wants to but he is a very private person. Lilly used to worry about him because she thought that he was lonely, I can imagine him feeling even more alone now. I want him to know that he is not alone and that we all love him very much, I hope that he will not allow the depression to creep in.
I was planning to put away her bed today but I just could not allow that to happen, especially today. I know that for Jonathan's sake it must be done but it has been hard letting go. Jonathan finally slept in his own bed yesterday but I had to sleep next to him. He has been very scared of going back into the room that he and Samantha shared. There are so many reminders in that room of my daughter, my wife and I both know that we need to start putting away her things. I don't want to bury my daughter for a third time, this will be more difficult than putting her to rest and reading the eulogy at her funeral mass. I can't take that next step yet even though I know it is a very important step in the healing process. The tears still come freely, especially in the mornings. I even cried in my sleep a few days ago, I don't remember why but I can guess. I wake up in the mornings and the last things I remember of my dreams are images of life without Samantha. There should be 4 of us and all I picture are Lilly, Jonathan and myself.
Tomorrow I get to sit with a former manager for coffee, he reached out to me the first day I went back to work. I've been feeling guilty because I would be betraying all the kindness of my current co workers. I hope that if I do change jobs, I would be doing it for the right reasons. I've been feeling trapped in a dead end job for about 5 months, a month ago I would have jumped at this sit down as an opportunity to go back to the place that I flourished in as a salesperson. I was overwhelmed when a lot of my former co workers came to the wake. The only reservation I have is that this interview is out of pity, I wouldn't want to go back under that circumstance. They've had a no rehire policy so I am more than a little suspicious of their motives but I've made it no secret that I wanted back in.
As for my current situation, the money is good and the people I work with are great. I just haven't been able to get past the fact that I was fired and rehired back in December of 2006. Getting fired is a devastating event in one's life, unfortunately for me it wasn't the first and it probably won't be the last time. I had to swallow my pride and think of putting food on the table and paying the mortgage when I was asked to come back at a greatly reduced role. I went from being Sales manager of a BMW dealership to getting a title of pre-owned manager of their MINI dealership. Not only were they generous enough to let me have a title but I was also asked to help the person replacing me do better numbers than I was doing. This person and I essentially changed places. I will never forget finding out that the people at the MINI dealership threw a party for this guy on the day I was let go. The GM is someone I followed from the other dealership 3 years ago and I feel that I still owe him for giving me my chance, but I feel a little less obligated after being fired. He has told me that I will eventually be back with BMW but I don't want to go back as a junior to the guy that replaced me. So the dilema is do I stay at a dead end job that pays ok? Or do I take a step back and be my own boss again? I would be limited to the goals that I establish for myself and I would answer only to myself if I don't exceed my own goals. I think the answer is pretty
simple.
I suppose I was an angry person before Samantha passed, I've resolved that I will no longer be angry and instead find constructive ways to disperse the anger. I want to make some sense of my own life in honor of my daughter. I will always seek more of myself instead of allowing the complacency to settle in. I will be a better husband to Lilly and give her the baby that see desparately needs. I will be a better father to my son Jonathan who has become my sole reason to exist in this world. I will no longer take this for granted, I know this is so cliched but this is so true. You cannot take life for granted because there are so many curve balls thrown at you and you have to be ready to swing for the fences every chance you get. Since it is getting very late, I will leave with those final thoughts.
We drove into the city today, Jonathan and I were invited to a Yankee baseball game. Rob got tickets from his connections at Kodak, today was Pokemon t-shirt giveaway day. Of course we had to go, Jonathan would have been very upset if he had missed that. Rob, Shirley(sister in law), Jonathan and I had a great time, the seats were absolutely fantastic. The players seem so much bigger in person than on tv, we were sitting on the first base side of the field about 15 rows back. We were practically on the playing field. The Yankees won 5 to 0, we saw a bit of everything today. Great pitching, clutch hitting, a play at the plate(Josh Phelps just crushed the Mariner's catcher), 2 beanballs and a bench clearing skirmish. The highlight was the 7th inning stretch, Roger Clemens surprised the baseball world and announced that he has decided to pitch for the Yankees. I heard he had 28 million reasons to do so. Baseball, gotta love it.
We went out to dinner afterwards and it got very emotional. Chris started to cry while we started ordering our dinner and we all followed. I think it just hit him at that point that Samantha was not there to eat with us. I worry about Chris because he loved Samantha very much and he was partial to her more than to Jonathan. He was mad at Lilly and hadn't visited us for a month before Samantha's death. I don't know if he's feeling guilty for not having seen Samantha before she died. I want to reach out to him and let him know that he can talk to me if he wants to but he is a very private person. Lilly used to worry about him because she thought that he was lonely, I can imagine him feeling even more alone now. I want him to know that he is not alone and that we all love him very much, I hope that he will not allow the depression to creep in.
I was planning to put away her bed today but I just could not allow that to happen, especially today. I know that for Jonathan's sake it must be done but it has been hard letting go. Jonathan finally slept in his own bed yesterday but I had to sleep next to him. He has been very scared of going back into the room that he and Samantha shared. There are so many reminders in that room of my daughter, my wife and I both know that we need to start putting away her things. I don't want to bury my daughter for a third time, this will be more difficult than putting her to rest and reading the eulogy at her funeral mass. I can't take that next step yet even though I know it is a very important step in the healing process. The tears still come freely, especially in the mornings. I even cried in my sleep a few days ago, I don't remember why but I can guess. I wake up in the mornings and the last things I remember of my dreams are images of life without Samantha. There should be 4 of us and all I picture are Lilly, Jonathan and myself.
Tomorrow I get to sit with a former manager for coffee, he reached out to me the first day I went back to work. I've been feeling guilty because I would be betraying all the kindness of my current co workers. I hope that if I do change jobs, I would be doing it for the right reasons. I've been feeling trapped in a dead end job for about 5 months, a month ago I would have jumped at this sit down as an opportunity to go back to the place that I flourished in as a salesperson. I was overwhelmed when a lot of my former co workers came to the wake. The only reservation I have is that this interview is out of pity, I wouldn't want to go back under that circumstance. They've had a no rehire policy so I am more than a little suspicious of their motives but I've made it no secret that I wanted back in.
As for my current situation, the money is good and the people I work with are great. I just haven't been able to get past the fact that I was fired and rehired back in December of 2006. Getting fired is a devastating event in one's life, unfortunately for me it wasn't the first and it probably won't be the last time. I had to swallow my pride and think of putting food on the table and paying the mortgage when I was asked to come back at a greatly reduced role. I went from being Sales manager of a BMW dealership to getting a title of pre-owned manager of their MINI dealership. Not only were they generous enough to let me have a title but I was also asked to help the person replacing me do better numbers than I was doing. This person and I essentially changed places. I will never forget finding out that the people at the MINI dealership threw a party for this guy on the day I was let go. The GM is someone I followed from the other dealership 3 years ago and I feel that I still owe him for giving me my chance, but I feel a little less obligated after being fired. He has told me that I will eventually be back with BMW but I don't want to go back as a junior to the guy that replaced me. So the dilema is do I stay at a dead end job that pays ok? Or do I take a step back and be my own boss again? I would be limited to the goals that I establish for myself and I would answer only to myself if I don't exceed my own goals. I think the answer is pretty
simple.
I suppose I was an angry person before Samantha passed, I've resolved that I will no longer be angry and instead find constructive ways to disperse the anger. I want to make some sense of my own life in honor of my daughter. I will always seek more of myself instead of allowing the complacency to settle in. I will be a better husband to Lilly and give her the baby that see desparately needs. I will be a better father to my son Jonathan who has become my sole reason to exist in this world. I will no longer take this for granted, I know this is so cliched but this is so true. You cannot take life for granted because there are so many curve balls thrown at you and you have to be ready to swing for the fences every chance you get. Since it is getting very late, I will leave with those final thoughts.
Friday, May 4, 2007
The boy and his little sister
In a small town not unlike the one we live in, there lived a boy and his little sister. The two were inseparable, one could not imagine the two ever being alone. The boy always leading the way and his little sister always following. There were times when the little sister wanted to lead, like the times when they played house together. Most of the times though, the two did what the boy wanted to do. The little girl was just happy to be with her older brother and didn't really care if he sometimes didn't want her around. Sometimes she would get so mad at him that you could see the steam coming out of her ears. The funny thing was, as soon as the steam stopped coming, she was back by his side laughing and screaming for joy.
The boy would never ever admit this but he loved his little sister more than anything in the whole world. Sure, she was a pain sometimes and she was very, very loud. She wanted to tag along with him where ever he went and the crying, boy could she cry. Sometimes he got jealous because everyone and I mean everyone thought she was so cute. Why would anybody think that of her? She had crooked teeth, her hair was aways messy, she never washed her hands after going to potty and she hated to brush her teeth. He had to admit though that she was fun to play with. She always had candy, how she got it, he couldn't figure out. But he suspected that daddy was always putting the candy under her pillow in the middle of the night.
The boy and his little sister often fought over the smallest of things. Who's got more. Who gets to go first. Why can't we play with this and not that? You hit me, no you hit me first. It seemed on the outside like they could never get along but you could always tell that on the inside, they were two peas in a pod. The little sister was always lonely whenever the two were separated. She always made sure that her brother got his share whether he was there or not. A bag of candy turned into two, a party balloon became a pair and an extra sticker from the doctor's office always came home with her. An ice cream cone? Well there were certain things that were not meant to be shared.
The boy enjoyed helping his little sister draw. She loved drawing flowers and butterflies but she always had trouble with the clouds. She couldn't quite get the fluffy way in which a cloud is drawn so the boy always helped with the clouds. He also loved butterflies so he helped her with those too. They drew so many pictures that they eventually ran out of room in their house. They thought it would be fun to draw on the walls, of course this was her idea, he would never ever think of writing on mommy's walls. What about their game of tag? They couldn't run around very well with all that clutter. The little sister didn't mind, the clutter provided good cover for when they played hide and go seek. These were the times when the boy was happiest, he had his little sister and she was his best friend.
The boy and his sister loved having their mother read books to them at night. They stayed up for hours just to hear her read tales of adventure and far away lands. Their mom's voice was magic whether she read the fairy tales or book of mystery. The little sister was always first to close her eyes, she couldn't resist the call of her dreams. In her dreams, she could flutter in the air with the butterflies or lay down in a welcoming bed of flowers and smell the wondrous scents carried by a gentle breeze. She could do the most perfect cartwheels and hand stands in her dreams. The boy on the other hand lived his dreams in the books. His dreams were filled with magic carpet rides, big humongous dinosaurs, beautiful sailing ships and a world full of imaginary creatures. His dreams ended with the rising of the sun into the morning sky. The sunlit windows were a sign for his eyelids to open up. The boy hated to wake up alone so he would shake his little sister awake. She always awoke with a beautiful smile on her face, happy to see the funny faces that her brother made.
Then one morning as the boy shook away the last cobwebs of his dreams, he noticed the peaceful way in which his little sister slept. This time he felt uneasy as he walked up to shake her awake. There was no welcoming smile as he tried waking her up, he took her tiny hands in his and only felt coldness in his touch. He tried touching her beautiful face but her face too was cold. Wake up! The boy cried. Please wake up! He ran to his mother for help, he knew his mother could fix anything with a kiss. Didn't she always make his boo boos disappear with her lips? She had to make his little sister wake up, all she had to do was kiss her.
The boy was told that God needed another angel to sit by his side. Comforting words to mom and dad but not to the boy whose best friend was gone. He knew in his heart that his little sister was still laying down in the bed of flowers and taking in the wondrous scents of the gentle breeze. She was busy fluttering in the air with the butterflies and doing cartwheels and hand stands. Whenever he missed his little sister, all he had to do was look for the flowers and the butterflies to know that she was always near. As time passed, his heart warmed, his tears dried and the sadness became a distant memory. His mom still read to him but he no longer dreamt of magic carpet rides or dinosaurs or beautiful sailing ships. His dreams were of distant fields full of radiant flowers and colorful butterflies and always, always his little sister's laughter as they played tag your it....
The boy would never ever admit this but he loved his little sister more than anything in the whole world. Sure, she was a pain sometimes and she was very, very loud. She wanted to tag along with him where ever he went and the crying, boy could she cry. Sometimes he got jealous because everyone and I mean everyone thought she was so cute. Why would anybody think that of her? She had crooked teeth, her hair was aways messy, she never washed her hands after going to potty and she hated to brush her teeth. He had to admit though that she was fun to play with. She always had candy, how she got it, he couldn't figure out. But he suspected that daddy was always putting the candy under her pillow in the middle of the night.
The boy and his little sister often fought over the smallest of things. Who's got more. Who gets to go first. Why can't we play with this and not that? You hit me, no you hit me first. It seemed on the outside like they could never get along but you could always tell that on the inside, they were two peas in a pod. The little sister was always lonely whenever the two were separated. She always made sure that her brother got his share whether he was there or not. A bag of candy turned into two, a party balloon became a pair and an extra sticker from the doctor's office always came home with her. An ice cream cone? Well there were certain things that were not meant to be shared.
The boy enjoyed helping his little sister draw. She loved drawing flowers and butterflies but she always had trouble with the clouds. She couldn't quite get the fluffy way in which a cloud is drawn so the boy always helped with the clouds. He also loved butterflies so he helped her with those too. They drew so many pictures that they eventually ran out of room in their house. They thought it would be fun to draw on the walls, of course this was her idea, he would never ever think of writing on mommy's walls. What about their game of tag? They couldn't run around very well with all that clutter. The little sister didn't mind, the clutter provided good cover for when they played hide and go seek. These were the times when the boy was happiest, he had his little sister and she was his best friend.
The boy and his sister loved having their mother read books to them at night. They stayed up for hours just to hear her read tales of adventure and far away lands. Their mom's voice was magic whether she read the fairy tales or book of mystery. The little sister was always first to close her eyes, she couldn't resist the call of her dreams. In her dreams, she could flutter in the air with the butterflies or lay down in a welcoming bed of flowers and smell the wondrous scents carried by a gentle breeze. She could do the most perfect cartwheels and hand stands in her dreams. The boy on the other hand lived his dreams in the books. His dreams were filled with magic carpet rides, big humongous dinosaurs, beautiful sailing ships and a world full of imaginary creatures. His dreams ended with the rising of the sun into the morning sky. The sunlit windows were a sign for his eyelids to open up. The boy hated to wake up alone so he would shake his little sister awake. She always awoke with a beautiful smile on her face, happy to see the funny faces that her brother made.
Then one morning as the boy shook away the last cobwebs of his dreams, he noticed the peaceful way in which his little sister slept. This time he felt uneasy as he walked up to shake her awake. There was no welcoming smile as he tried waking her up, he took her tiny hands in his and only felt coldness in his touch. He tried touching her beautiful face but her face too was cold. Wake up! The boy cried. Please wake up! He ran to his mother for help, he knew his mother could fix anything with a kiss. Didn't she always make his boo boos disappear with her lips? She had to make his little sister wake up, all she had to do was kiss her.
The boy was told that God needed another angel to sit by his side. Comforting words to mom and dad but not to the boy whose best friend was gone. He knew in his heart that his little sister was still laying down in the bed of flowers and taking in the wondrous scents of the gentle breeze. She was busy fluttering in the air with the butterflies and doing cartwheels and hand stands. Whenever he missed his little sister, all he had to do was look for the flowers and the butterflies to know that she was always near. As time passed, his heart warmed, his tears dried and the sadness became a distant memory. His mom still read to him but he no longer dreamt of magic carpet rides or dinosaurs or beautiful sailing ships. His dreams were of distant fields full of radiant flowers and colorful butterflies and always, always his little sister's laughter as they played tag your it....
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Rest in Peace
We picked up Samantha's remains from the funeral home and drove down to Spencerville MD today. After almost a month, our daughter has been put to rest. I couldn't hold down the tears this morning as we drove to the funeral home, I was experiencing Samantha's funeral for the 2nd time. It's true what they say, a part of you dies with your child and you are never the same person. How can anyone or anything do one thing to me that is worse than taking Samantha from me? What can be worse? All the emotions of the last month came flooding back to me as we drove down to the temple. Lilly and Rob were with me and we just talked about all the memories we had of Samantha. There were a lot of laughter mixed in with the tears, I guess we needed this as much for us as it was for her.
The temple is actually a ranch home situated on an acre and 1/2 of land. The columbarium is 4 brick walls lined in a semi circle and faces the afternoon sun. Mymom, brother Charles, sister in law Kay and my cousin Willie and his wife came to witness the ceremony. The Temple is located within 10 minutes of each of them. The Urn that was specially ordered for Samantha was beautiful, it was pale and of the highest jade quality. There were inscriptions in chinese all around and Samantha's name and year of birth and death were incribed in the center. I was allowed to take her cremains from the temporary box and place it in the urn. After the Reverend sealed the urn, he chanted prayers for Samantha for about 10 minutes. During the prayers, I began to imagine her running around and doing cartwheels and climbing the trees in this back yard. I couldn't control the tears because I knew this was her telling me it that things were going to be ok. After the prayer, I took her urn and placed it inside the space provide for her on inside second box on the lower left corner of the second wall. The Reverend sealed her space with the inscription of her name and birth date and death date.
I will never stop crying for her loss but now I am comforted that her final resting place lies within the peaceful sanctuary of this temple. Although it is now a house, there are plans to build a real temple. I will be able to visit her whenever I get to visit my mom and I will take every opportunity to do so. My heart aches just a little less now that we have put her to rest. I hope that I will be able to hold my daughter once again when it is time for me to leave my life behind. I hope that her spirit is with my father's spirit, keeping each other company. I hope that she will visit us often and keep watch over us, especially her brother Jonathan. I hope that I can keep to my plan of sending her balloons of the 6th of every month. I hope that I will continue to honor her and cherish her till my death. I will try to make sense of Samantha's death and I will make something of my own life.
The temple is actually a ranch home situated on an acre and 1/2 of land. The columbarium is 4 brick walls lined in a semi circle and faces the afternoon sun. Mymom, brother Charles, sister in law Kay and my cousin Willie and his wife came to witness the ceremony. The Temple is located within 10 minutes of each of them. The Urn that was specially ordered for Samantha was beautiful, it was pale and of the highest jade quality. There were inscriptions in chinese all around and Samantha's name and year of birth and death were incribed in the center. I was allowed to take her cremains from the temporary box and place it in the urn. After the Reverend sealed the urn, he chanted prayers for Samantha for about 10 minutes. During the prayers, I began to imagine her running around and doing cartwheels and climbing the trees in this back yard. I couldn't control the tears because I knew this was her telling me it that things were going to be ok. After the prayer, I took her urn and placed it inside the space provide for her on inside second box on the lower left corner of the second wall. The Reverend sealed her space with the inscription of her name and birth date and death date.
I will never stop crying for her loss but now I am comforted that her final resting place lies within the peaceful sanctuary of this temple. Although it is now a house, there are plans to build a real temple. I will be able to visit her whenever I get to visit my mom and I will take every opportunity to do so. My heart aches just a little less now that we have put her to rest. I hope that I will be able to hold my daughter once again when it is time for me to leave my life behind. I hope that her spirit is with my father's spirit, keeping each other company. I hope that she will visit us often and keep watch over us, especially her brother Jonathan. I hope that I can keep to my plan of sending her balloons of the 6th of every month. I hope that I will continue to honor her and cherish her till my death. I will try to make sense of Samantha's death and I will make something of my own life.
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