My Dearest Samantha;
It seems like just yesterday that I was holding you tight and stroking your hair as you fell asleep. I still remember the feel of your tiny hands touching my arm as your drowsey eyes lost the fight to stay awake. I can hear the laughter of your sweet, sweet voice while you were playing with your brother. I still hear you calling me for help with a difficult task. I see you trying to hide behind that big oak tree and running away screaming while I pretended to chase after you. You've been gone these long hard months and not a day went by that I haven't shed a tear. We've all missed you so, your family and all your friends. I only know now what kind of friends you made and I am amazed at how much you touched their lives. You would be proud of how much love everyone had for you and our family, I am still humbled to this day.
It may be hard for you to believe but Jonathan misses you terribly. I know, I know, he used to be very mean to you. He also loved you more than anything. He's not the same person anymore but neither are your Mom and Dad. He no longer has that sparkle in his eye, he left that with you for safe keeping I guess. He now knows the lonliness of growing up an only child. He no longer has that shadow(I don't mean to call you one in the literal sense) following him around every where he goes. I think he misses that more than even I can imagine. We try to set up more play dates with his friends and some of yours for that matter but nobody is going to even come close to replacing you. I've noticed that he now treats the girls with a lot more gentleness than before and I think it's because of all the hugs he gets. He's not doing as well in school, he says he has a hard time concentrating on his tests. His temper, you remember it well don't you? Well his temper gets out of control and he becomes much more vocal and expressive. He reminds me of you when you used to throw those temper tantrums. I know he's selfish and self centered but what 7 year old isn't? The good news is that someone yesterday told us that your brother has a kind face and he will be lucky in life. This same person didn't have quite as good an opinion of you or your Mom. All I'm going to say is that I wouldn't have been letting you out of the house too many times if you had the pleasure of growing up.
As for your Mom, I cry for her too because she is so sad and heartbroken by your passing. You may not have appreciated it but you were everything in the world to her. A mini Mommmy. You were an exact copy of her in her childhood, a beautiful, caring, smart, demanding and sassy little girl. Your mom may have been strict and mean and anything else that you might have thought but she loved and cared for you from the time you were born til the day you left. She continues to blame herself and thinks that you are mad at her for letting you go. I've told her many times that what happened was not her fault, no one could have possibly know how you were feeling except for you. I know the person you were and you hardly ever complained. You were always too busy worrying about others weren't you? You got that from Mommy. The mornings are especially difficult for the both of us, morning was the only time of the week that we could gather as a family even if it was for a couple of hours. Jonathan would wake you up to play, I would sit on the toilet while you tried hold that button nose of yours while brushing your teeth. Mommy would always get into an argument with you about what you would wear for the day. The best part of my day, ironically, was saying goodbye to you and Jonathan and giving you both big hugs and kisses.
Your Mom and I both wonder how you are doing and I can't help but think that you and Grandpa are having a great time together. I was worried about you being lonely at first but I'm quite sure that you have had no problem making friends with the other angels. Please do me one favor and keep an eye out on your brother, he's all we have left to remind us of you. I know I don't have to ask this of you but it would also be nice if you can watch over your friends too. I promise to come see you one day but you have to be patient, it might be for a visit or a permanent stay. I would appreciate a good word or two to the people in charge.
With love in my heart and tears in my eyes,
Daddy
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
Happy Fathers Day!
I received the best present a dad can get yesterday, a memento album that was filled with all the heartfelt wishes and condolences from Samantha's funeral. Our friends Kelly and Robert invited us over their house to pick it up. I had forgotten that Kelly has taken it upon herself to put the album together, she did an amazing job. There were pictures in the pages of Samantha and her friends and the best part were the messages from the children. I know that as these children get older, Samantha will become a distant memory but I am hoping that a few will be able to look back as adults and remember that she touched their lives in some way. I know I've said this before and I don't mind repeating it, Lilly and I have been blessed with these unbelievably caring friends who have opened up their homes, hearts and arms to us. Kelly and Robert have 3 absolutely beautiful girls who bring joy to Lilly whenever she sees them and yesterday was no different. For the 15 minutes we were there, I could no longer see the sadness that's been permanently etched on my wife's face. Even Jonathan was happy to be around Raquel, Ava and Grace. I've never asked but I'd venture to guess that their Mom or Dad or both are fans of the movie starlets that share their first names.
I spent a few hours on new Origami yesterday and we went to the memorial trees to clean up the old ones and add the new ones. The new ones are very colorful and they stand out, I hope that they will bring some joy to everyone that sees them. Lilly and I couldn't help but notice the strange looks we were getting from people passing by but we didn't care. So what if it's a little strange to decorate a tree in the middle of June? The tree's not embarrassed by it. I will continue to add new Origami figures for as long as the trees don't complain. They are my way of relieving the stress of every day life and an expression of my grief over the loss of my daughter. The releasing of balloons, writing this blog and the Origami have all helped to ease me through the grief process that many find daunting.
Our Disney trip is less than 3 weeks away and I can't seem to get too excited about going. We are going to stay with Rob and Millie's at their time share, they have a 2 bedroom reserved. I keep thinking back to last year's trip and how happy Samantha was to be around all the characters. I hope we can make new memories for Jonathan. He really needs a break from everything. I just want him to be a kid and enjoy the sensory overload that a trip to Disney brings. I wish that I could have just taken him out of school for the rest of the year and given him a pass until third grade. His whole life has been turned on it's head and we can only watch helplessly while he struggles through this rocky road. I want so badly to put him on my back and walk through life for him but I know that's not what he needs. I worry that he's gone to a place in his head and a part of him does not want to come back out. Speaking of the monkey, I am being summoned to his bedroom to read him a bedtime story.
Toni, I wanted to thank you for being one of the few people on earth who read my very personal thoughts. Please don't share this with anyone else you know, I'd hate for anyone else to know that I walk around with voices in my head. Lilly doesn't even know yet.
I spent a few hours on new Origami yesterday and we went to the memorial trees to clean up the old ones and add the new ones. The new ones are very colorful and they stand out, I hope that they will bring some joy to everyone that sees them. Lilly and I couldn't help but notice the strange looks we were getting from people passing by but we didn't care. So what if it's a little strange to decorate a tree in the middle of June? The tree's not embarrassed by it. I will continue to add new Origami figures for as long as the trees don't complain. They are my way of relieving the stress of every day life and an expression of my grief over the loss of my daughter. The releasing of balloons, writing this blog and the Origami have all helped to ease me through the grief process that many find daunting.
Our Disney trip is less than 3 weeks away and I can't seem to get too excited about going. We are going to stay with Rob and Millie's at their time share, they have a 2 bedroom reserved. I keep thinking back to last year's trip and how happy Samantha was to be around all the characters. I hope we can make new memories for Jonathan. He really needs a break from everything. I just want him to be a kid and enjoy the sensory overload that a trip to Disney brings. I wish that I could have just taken him out of school for the rest of the year and given him a pass until third grade. His whole life has been turned on it's head and we can only watch helplessly while he struggles through this rocky road. I want so badly to put him on my back and walk through life for him but I know that's not what he needs. I worry that he's gone to a place in his head and a part of him does not want to come back out. Speaking of the monkey, I am being summoned to his bedroom to read him a bedtime story.
Toni, I wanted to thank you for being one of the few people on earth who read my very personal thoughts. Please don't share this with anyone else you know, I'd hate for anyone else to know that I walk around with voices in my head. Lilly doesn't even know yet.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Sopranos, what a let down!
I know, I know, but I just can't help put my two cents in. Just like the other ten million or so viewers, I thought my cable went out at the end. I cursed and almost threw the remote at the tv. I actually drove as fast as I could from Silver Springs, Maryland just so I can can the last 1/2 hour. To see that psycho Phil get whacked was like getting a lap dance from one of the girls from the BING, watching as the truck get closer and closer to his head was like getting your face rubbed in it. The end? I'm a visual person, I don't need to imagine that Tony got whacked by the truck driver! So what if we're supposed to think that it wasn't Meadow that walked into the restaurant? How bout Pauly turning rat and walking in behind the Feds and giving Tony that smirk of his, you shoulda made me number two he's thinking. I was expecting to see the guy come out of the Men's room with the guns blazing, instead we get a blank screen. If they wanted a reaction, they sure got an explosion. This had to be the most unsatisfying ending to a show that I've ever seen.
As for the where I was speeding home from, we had gone to Maryland to help celebrate my nephew's graduation from University of Maryland. My brother Charles had invited us down for a little party so we drove down on Saturday afternoon. The party was in full swing when we arrived, there were drunk college students and drunk older people and we tried fitting in. Lilly is more comfortable with people than I am, she has that ability to sit in a crowd and pretend like she's paying attention. I'm around people all day at work so I tend to shy away and go for privacy when I am not working. I have very little to say to people and I haven't quite mastered the art of small talk. If someone were to take a video of me in a crowd, I would look like someone in excruciating pain who is unable to get help. I tend to disappear and sort of melt into the surroundings, most people at a party would swear that they saw me but wouldn't be able to describe what I wore. I was very happy for my brother,he would no longer be burdened with extra college debt by his son(Justin). He now has two more years of college for his daughter(Clarice). If given the chance at turning back the clock, I would happily trade places with my brother.
My brother Charles has been a second father to me for as long as I remember. He is 10 years older than me but has treated me as an equal for most of my adult life. When our family immigrated to the United States, my Father and Mother left behind very comfortable lives so that their three sons could make something of themselves. Both parents worked 6 days a week and 12 hour work days, my brother Charles took on the responsibility of taking care of me and my middle brother Phil. I can still remember the time that he caught me smoking at the age of 13, I gained a healthy respect for his belt. Charles was always the responsible one and the smartest. After one year of high school at Dewitt Clinton HS in the Bronx, he was accepted to Columbia University. He graduated with a BS degree in Chemistry and promptly started work for the FDA. He also started his graduate studies a Queens college, I'm embarassed to say that I do not know if he obtained his Masters degree or not. As the eldest son, he was responsible for the care of our parents as they got older. He helped care my Mother care for our Father as he regressed from a healthy 80 year old to a helpless 82 year old. Although my Mother lives alone now, she is only 10 minutes away from Charles care. When Samantha died, Charles was the first person I called to grieve, he and Kay drove the four hours to be with us in our despair. Charles broke the news of Samantha's death to my Mother because I did not have the courage or the heart to let her know that I failed in my duty as a dad to keep my daughter safe. His support has been immeasurable as we try to overcome the grief and I am comforted to know that Charles and Kay will always be there for us.
On Sunday, Lilly and I took Jonathan to see Samantha's resting place for the first time. I wasn't sure how Jonathan would react because we hadn't told him that Samantha was cremated. I dont't know if he fully comprehended why Samantha wasn't buried like his grandfather was but he finally had an idea where Samantha was. I kept thinking how peaceful her resting place was and I kept picturing in my mind, Samantha running around and doing cartwheels and hiding behind the trees. The flood gates opened and I was off to the races, even though we were not supposed to cry in front of her resting place I could not help myself. I wanted so badly to hold her and hug her but all I could do was whisper that I loved her and missed her very much. Even though I was overcome with grief, positive and happy thoughts of my daughter went through my mind. I felt so connected to this place that I did not want to leave, even after we left I had the urge to go back and be with my daughter. If it were up to me, our family would have already settled in Maryland. Although I wish to be closer to my daughter, I also wish to be closer to my Mother who is now 75 years old. But I've always respected Lilly's wish to be closer to her family and I think we've added a huge extended family in Nutley.
As for the where I was speeding home from, we had gone to Maryland to help celebrate my nephew's graduation from University of Maryland. My brother Charles had invited us down for a little party so we drove down on Saturday afternoon. The party was in full swing when we arrived, there were drunk college students and drunk older people and we tried fitting in. Lilly is more comfortable with people than I am, she has that ability to sit in a crowd and pretend like she's paying attention. I'm around people all day at work so I tend to shy away and go for privacy when I am not working. I have very little to say to people and I haven't quite mastered the art of small talk. If someone were to take a video of me in a crowd, I would look like someone in excruciating pain who is unable to get help. I tend to disappear and sort of melt into the surroundings, most people at a party would swear that they saw me but wouldn't be able to describe what I wore. I was very happy for my brother,he would no longer be burdened with extra college debt by his son(Justin). He now has two more years of college for his daughter(Clarice). If given the chance at turning back the clock, I would happily trade places with my brother.
My brother Charles has been a second father to me for as long as I remember. He is 10 years older than me but has treated me as an equal for most of my adult life. When our family immigrated to the United States, my Father and Mother left behind very comfortable lives so that their three sons could make something of themselves. Both parents worked 6 days a week and 12 hour work days, my brother Charles took on the responsibility of taking care of me and my middle brother Phil. I can still remember the time that he caught me smoking at the age of 13, I gained a healthy respect for his belt. Charles was always the responsible one and the smartest. After one year of high school at Dewitt Clinton HS in the Bronx, he was accepted to Columbia University. He graduated with a BS degree in Chemistry and promptly started work for the FDA. He also started his graduate studies a Queens college, I'm embarassed to say that I do not know if he obtained his Masters degree or not. As the eldest son, he was responsible for the care of our parents as they got older. He helped care my Mother care for our Father as he regressed from a healthy 80 year old to a helpless 82 year old. Although my Mother lives alone now, she is only 10 minutes away from Charles care. When Samantha died, Charles was the first person I called to grieve, he and Kay drove the four hours to be with us in our despair. Charles broke the news of Samantha's death to my Mother because I did not have the courage or the heart to let her know that I failed in my duty as a dad to keep my daughter safe. His support has been immeasurable as we try to overcome the grief and I am comforted to know that Charles and Kay will always be there for us.
On Sunday, Lilly and I took Jonathan to see Samantha's resting place for the first time. I wasn't sure how Jonathan would react because we hadn't told him that Samantha was cremated. I dont't know if he fully comprehended why Samantha wasn't buried like his grandfather was but he finally had an idea where Samantha was. I kept thinking how peaceful her resting place was and I kept picturing in my mind, Samantha running around and doing cartwheels and hiding behind the trees. The flood gates opened and I was off to the races, even though we were not supposed to cry in front of her resting place I could not help myself. I wanted so badly to hold her and hug her but all I could do was whisper that I loved her and missed her very much. Even though I was overcome with grief, positive and happy thoughts of my daughter went through my mind. I felt so connected to this place that I did not want to leave, even after we left I had the urge to go back and be with my daughter. If it were up to me, our family would have already settled in Maryland. Although I wish to be closer to my daughter, I also wish to be closer to my Mother who is now 75 years old. But I've always respected Lilly's wish to be closer to her family and I think we've added a huge extended family in Nutley.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
2 months ago
I wasn't sure where to begin, our friend Toni was kind enough to remind me of the lapse from my previous entry. It still seems surreal to me even after 2 months. I was downstairs this morning intending to write when Lilly called me to come upstairs. She wanted to show me something. I found her in tears in the bathroom, she wanted me to follow her and listen to something. The kids used to use her cell phone to call the house phone and leave her messages and I guess Lilly played one of Samantha's calls. When she replayed it for me it was like hearing a ghost from the past, Samantha was leaving a message to Lilly that she loved her. I was thinking of a message that she had left on my cell phone and how stupid I was to not have saved it at the time. I can still remember the message, she was with Megan and she was trying to get Megan to say "uncle Sam". Lilly and I held each other and cried for a very long time.
A friend spoke to me the other day about an article he read about the new General Manager of Lexus USA. He was talking about his family and when counting his children, he said he had one son and two angels in heaven. I was totally awed by this statement. I had begun to think of Samantha's death as a loss of one person from our family but I was wrong to think that way. We will always be a family of four. Samantha was our daughter and Jonathan's sister, that can't ever be taken away from us. It would be a lot less awkward to tell someone that we have a son and one angel in heaven than saying that we have only one child. I will have to send a thank you note to Mr. So and So from Lexus USA, he's been an inspiration.
I meant to write a separate post on May 31st, there was excellent news. Yantacaw school jumped from 3rd place to 1st place in the Library Makeover contest on the last day of competition. First place school gets $45,000 to make over the school library, thanks to the folks at Pfizer and Reading Is Fundamental. It was an extraordinary effort by the school PTO and all the moms and dads who got together as a community to make this happen. Yesterday the news got even better as the standings were updated again and our lead grew by almost a thousand points. The official results won't be posted or announced until September of this year but I think things are looking pretty good for the kids at Yantacaw Elementary School in Nutley, NJ. It's amazing what can get accomplished once people get together for the common good, I guess the saying is true "where there is a will, there is a way". It would be nice if the school dedicated the remodeling of their library in Samantha's memory but I wouldn't be shocked if they didn't. I think Samantha would be happy just to see all the new books that would be made available to the students for years to come. In my heart, that would be her lasting legacy.
I recently started to learn the art of origami and I think I will take it on as a hobby. It's totally confusing at first but once you get the basic folds in order, the rest is pretty easy. So far I've been able to make Pikachu(pokemon), a butterfly, a heart with wings, a sitting dog and a goldfish. The harder ones that I want to try to do are the ballerina and a dragon. Samantha loved to dance and she was born in the year of the Golden Dragon(it was supposed to have been an especially lucky year to have children). I asked Lilly to hang the origami I made on the two memorial trees, hopefully no one will take them but I guess if a kid takes pleasure from one of the origami, it's ok for him/her to take it. I can always make more. I just hope the parks people don't consider it clutter and remove them from the trees. At the dedication ceremony, the parks commissioner asked that the trees not be treated like cemetery sites. Because Samantha's remains are down in Maryland, the trees are the closest that our friends and us have to a place to visit and remember her. By putting up the Origami, I thought that it would evoke happy memories and put smiles on everyone.
I drove into the city today, Lilly made me go see the doctor. I've been continuously getting sick all year and it seemed like as soon as I get over a cold I would get sick again. The doctor took some blood and gave me a checkup. He said I have a bad post nasal drip due to a sinus infection. My body just wasn't able to fight off the infection by itself so I am now on antibiotics. The good news is that my hyper thyroids seem to have relapsed although I can't celebrate until the blood works come back. I forget that I am now into my middle ages and the body is not what it used to be. The body is starting to break down and I am going to have to be more conscious about what I eat and the exercises I should be doing.
A friend spoke to me the other day about an article he read about the new General Manager of Lexus USA. He was talking about his family and when counting his children, he said he had one son and two angels in heaven. I was totally awed by this statement. I had begun to think of Samantha's death as a loss of one person from our family but I was wrong to think that way. We will always be a family of four. Samantha was our daughter and Jonathan's sister, that can't ever be taken away from us. It would be a lot less awkward to tell someone that we have a son and one angel in heaven than saying that we have only one child. I will have to send a thank you note to Mr. So and So from Lexus USA, he's been an inspiration.
I meant to write a separate post on May 31st, there was excellent news. Yantacaw school jumped from 3rd place to 1st place in the Library Makeover contest on the last day of competition. First place school gets $45,000 to make over the school library, thanks to the folks at Pfizer and Reading Is Fundamental. It was an extraordinary effort by the school PTO and all the moms and dads who got together as a community to make this happen. Yesterday the news got even better as the standings were updated again and our lead grew by almost a thousand points. The official results won't be posted or announced until September of this year but I think things are looking pretty good for the kids at Yantacaw Elementary School in Nutley, NJ. It's amazing what can get accomplished once people get together for the common good, I guess the saying is true "where there is a will, there is a way". It would be nice if the school dedicated the remodeling of their library in Samantha's memory but I wouldn't be shocked if they didn't. I think Samantha would be happy just to see all the new books that would be made available to the students for years to come. In my heart, that would be her lasting legacy.
I recently started to learn the art of origami and I think I will take it on as a hobby. It's totally confusing at first but once you get the basic folds in order, the rest is pretty easy. So far I've been able to make Pikachu(pokemon), a butterfly, a heart with wings, a sitting dog and a goldfish. The harder ones that I want to try to do are the ballerina and a dragon. Samantha loved to dance and she was born in the year of the Golden Dragon(it was supposed to have been an especially lucky year to have children). I asked Lilly to hang the origami I made on the two memorial trees, hopefully no one will take them but I guess if a kid takes pleasure from one of the origami, it's ok for him/her to take it. I can always make more. I just hope the parks people don't consider it clutter and remove them from the trees. At the dedication ceremony, the parks commissioner asked that the trees not be treated like cemetery sites. Because Samantha's remains are down in Maryland, the trees are the closest that our friends and us have to a place to visit and remember her. By putting up the Origami, I thought that it would evoke happy memories and put smiles on everyone.
I drove into the city today, Lilly made me go see the doctor. I've been continuously getting sick all year and it seemed like as soon as I get over a cold I would get sick again. The doctor took some blood and gave me a checkup. He said I have a bad post nasal drip due to a sinus infection. My body just wasn't able to fight off the infection by itself so I am now on antibiotics. The good news is that my hyper thyroids seem to have relapsed although I can't celebrate until the blood works come back. I forget that I am now into my middle ages and the body is not what it used to be. The body is starting to break down and I am going to have to be more conscious about what I eat and the exercises I should be doing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
