Putting Samantha to rest

I've been waiting anxiously for Wednesday to arrive, this is the day that Samantha's remains will be taken to Spencerville, MD. We will be entrusting her cremains to a Chinese temple to watch over her and pray for her daily. Why so long? A special urn was ordered specifically for Samantha and the Reverend picked out May 2nd as the ideal date to transfer her cremains. I hope that by finally putting her to rest, Lilly and I will have some sense of closure. We still haven't stopped crying for her loss and I doubt that the crying will ever end. I still get that empty feeling whenever I start to think about Samantha, the realization that she's no longer going to do the things that she used to do hits like a freight train.

The kindness of friends and family never ceases to amaze me. Samantha's school continues to receive donations in her memory, Mrs. Dowse the school principal told Lilly that more than $5000.00 has been received so far. We are also trying to win a contest from Pfizer for a school library makeover. Grand prize is $45,000.00 in cash and books. All the moms in kindergarten and 1st grade are getting together to prepare postcards and index cards on May 7th. Yantacaw is currently in 4th place. I figured out that we would need about 5000 entries to even come close to the 1st place school. The discouraging thing is that the 1st place school is probably half the size of our school and the points system is based on average points per student. Although we may have more total points than that school, we would have to have double the amount of points in order to be tied with them. A library makeover in Samantha's memory would be such an amazing thing to have for the children of this school and it would be a great way to keep her alive for Lilly and me.

weird happenings

Now I know I'm going crazy! I was home alone last night, my wife Lilly and my son Jonathan slept over a friends house. A really strong storm passed through NJ overnight and it was pretty awe inspiring. I tossed and turned because of the deafening rain and the very powerful thunder. At approximately 2 am, I was awakened by a vibration coming from the bed, the vibration was causing me to bounce. Needless to say I was scared and I wanted my mommy. I thought maybe the entire house was shaking so I got out of bed and placed both feet on the floor, hoping the house was causing the vibrations. Absolutely not! I placed my hand on the bed to make sure I wasn't dreaming and I could still feel the vibration. I had to run to the bathroom for fear of peeing my underwear. A part of me was wishing that it was my Samantha playing games with me from heaven to let me know that she was still with us. The rest of me got back into bed and curled up in a ball to attempt going back to sleep.

Am I crazy? I hope not but I've been lost in a fog this past week. I guess I went back to work too soon. I've gotten by at work but I'm not sharp and I've been leaving things unfinished. I am not as depressed as I was during the middle of the week, that was bad. I also haven't seen my wife and son since yesterday. I get to pick them up from the friends house tonight and I can't wait to give them a big hug. I am also relieved that I will not have to face that bed alone again.

Back to work

Went back to work on Monday. I needed to get my mind on other things besides my daughter. I think it was a mistake to go back so quickly, I don't know if it is depression setting in but I can't seem to function normally. I'm forgetful, I'm taking more time to do things and I am constantly tired. I can't get the thought of my daughter out of my head. Last weekend was the first time I've had a chance to go see my Mom since Samantha's passing. It was very emotional to say the least. She was very distraught and we cried for a long time. My mom lives alone in Olney, Md about 10 minutes from my brother. I wish that we could be closer to her but, I don't think I can live the slow pace of the suburbs. I found Samantha's music box on Monday and I didn't realize that is was broken. She never said a word. I tried fixing the box today but a part of the gear broke so it only works for about 15 seconds. I was crying for about 1 hour while I was attempting to fix it. I miss her still.

turning 40

Today is my 40th birthday. I don't feel much like celebrating, I'd give it all up to have Samantha back. I received a present from my daughter, we found it while cleaning up some of her things. She had made it and she had hid it so that she could give it to me on my birthday. I resisted the temptation to open it until today. She gave me 7 cents and 2 drawings. The 1st one is a drawing of her and her brother Jonathan playing in a field while it is raining. The 2nd picture is of a field with butterflies but she did not draw herself. I've been crying ever since. What did she mean by not drawing herself in the picture? I miss her more than life itself. Just to hear her laughing is all I want.

I am not looking to celebrate any holidays or birthdays anymore. I don't know how my wife and I will handle Mother's day. There is such a void in my wife's life right now, I don't know how she is able to get through the day. If she's anything like me, she's probably feeling alone and wanting to get our daughter back.

tears

A day has not passed that I haven't stopped crying
the void within grows longer by the day
I remember her daily and I'll never stop trying
my daughter's gone and I don't know what to say

The kisses, the hugs and the laughter's of joy
these are just some of things I can't replace
I loved her so much, all my blessings I can no longer enjoy
I cry at the memory of her beautiful face

Years of happiness turned to tears of sadness
our lives changed forever when she left us in distress
I think to myself don't get caught up in the madness
I'll always remember her in the beautiful white dress

Our little angel, she was our gift from heaven
I'm thankful for the way she smiled at me the morning that she died
I know I'll hold you again one day, exactly I don't know when
I'll cry for you always and hope that God keeps you by his side

My eulogy to Samantha on April 13th, 2007

Our daughter was born December 29th, 2000, 5 o’clock in the afternoon, during a snow storm. Out of pride, I wanted our baby to be named after me and so our daughter was named Samantha. The moment she was born, it was love at first sight. I looked into her eyes and Lilly was in trouble. I fell in love with another girl, Samantha was already daddy’s little girl. My plan was to call her Sam as she got older but she grew into her name and Samantha just seemed to fit. Like all mom’s and dad’s, we had hopes and a lot of dreams for her. At the age of 2, I knew she was going to be a child model. We took her to a few photo shoots but it didn’t work out. I could never understand how no one could see how radiant her smile was or the mischievous way her eye twinkled, like she always knew a secret you didn’t. Her smile never failed to melt my heart and take my breath away.

At 3, Samantha began collecting shoes and honed her sense for fashion. It was never about dolls and toys for her, she needed to always look her best wherever she went. It was a never ending battle with Lilly in the mornings about what she should wear, sometimes Lilly won and sometimes it was Samantha. Funny thing was Lilly and Samantha usually matched. Afterwards, Samantha would ask my opinion, “Do I look good daddy?” The answer would always be, “you look beautiful”. Samantha’s 2nd favorite thing to do was being with Jonathan. They often fought like cats and dogs, Jonathan never wanting to share and Samantha always wanting what Jonathan wanted. Samantha was born with Lilly’s stubbornness but she also possessed her mom’s tenderness and caring. She was always protective of Jonathan and she always made sure that Jonathan got his fair share of everything, especially when it came to punishment. She was quick to point her little finger at Jonathan, even for things that she did. Jonathan could never figure out what hit him. Samantha had a way of getting under Jonathan’s skin, which bordered on genius. She got that from me. Whenever she was bored, she’d do something to Jonathan and run straight to me for protection, she was daddy’s little girl.

Even now as I think about how I miss my little girl, I can’t help asking God why he would take away someone so young. In a perfect world, we should all grow old and watch our children experience the wonders of life. We should not be losing our children. I realize that I’ve known the answer for 6 years and 3 months, she was our piece of heaven, God’s gift. She loved without question and she always forgave without holding a grudge. All she had to do to brighten up a room was smile that smile of hers. She’d say hello to anyone, as if it was her job to make everyone happy. Everyone’s been telling us how sweet she was and how she was such a little angel. She'll forever be our little angel.

My Father passed away when Samantha was 3, she didn’t understand why or how but she always knew that her grandfather went to heaven. I know that she’s now holding her grandfather’s hands and looking down on us, happy to be getting all the attention. It's funny how she used to ask me when I would be joining my dad, she wanted me to keep him company in heaven. She’s probably asking my dad now when I would come to join her. I have a favorite picture of Samantha, it was taken during our failed attempt at her modeling career, and it is a picture that captured all that Samantha was in life. I look at this picture to bring back memories of her life and I am comforted that she will remain this innocent child for as long as I live.

Ever since her first day of Pre K, she loved going to class. Samantha felt so grown up to be able to go to school. She loved being around her classmates, they were all friends to her, she especially loved her teachers. Because she was born in December, she had to take 3 years of Pre K. She couldn’t wait for the 3rd year to finish. She was graduating to Kindergarten and she was ready to take it and make it her own. From her 1st day she took to Kindergarten like a fish to water, she would show me her work with pride. It seemed that everything came easy to her, she quickly made new friends and she loved doing her homework. I was amazed at how quickly she was able to complete her work. Her backpack was filled with all of her work and her library books. It used to crack me up to see her walking with her backpack on, it was as big as she was and almost as heavy. The best part was watching for her as she was let out of school, seeing the look of apprehension on her face as she scanned the street looking for my wife or myself. Making eye contact and seeing that smile of hers, radiating from the relief of knowing that we were always there to pick her up. We enrolled her this year in dance class; she was now going to be a professional dancer. She loved just to be able to put on her outfit and dance shoes, the dancing was icing on the cake. She would show me all of her moves and I would embarrass her by my laughter but the laughter was out pride for how grown up my little girl looked. We were so excited about her recital in May. I couldn’t wait to see her on stage and I knew she was going to shine. I was also nervous for her because she was accident prone like her daddy and the last thing I wanted for her was to trip on stage, something her daddy would do. This was going to be her first taste of Broadway and I had already pictured her under the limelight.

Last year her cousin Megan was born. We all fell in love with her. I was concerned for Samantha because she was no longer going to be everyone’s little girl. Her Uncle Bobby and Aunt Millie now had a daughter of their own to spoil. Her uncles Phil and Chris and her aunt Shirley had another niece to show their affection for. There was no need for the concern. Samantha was happy to have a sister and that’s what Megan was to her, her little sister. She doted on Megan like a mother hen and always competed with Jonathan to get her attention. She happily shared everyone’s love with Megan and never once complained if the baby was getting more attention than she did. I think she knew that at the end of the day, she would always get more than her fair share. She would always have Uncle Charlie, Auntie Kay and Grandma to herself. Because of Megan’s birth, Samantha had found a calling. She wanted to grow up and be a pediatrician. It was her hope and her dream. She wanted to care for babies and help them come into this world. I was already thinking to the day that I would re-mortgage the house to pay her way through school. I’ve pictured her life a thousand times, cheerleader, prom queen, voted most popular, valedictorian and god forbid a boyfriend or 2 and then to the fateful day that I would walk her down the isle to give her hand to the one she loved. I had made her promise me many, many, many times that she would have no boyfriends but she would always ask, “Not even just 1”? I knew I was in for some heart break from the day she was born, never imagining that this is how my heart would break.

I’ve not realized until now, just how many people were touched by Samantha. Always with that smile of hers and the happy way in which she’d greet someone. I understand how difficult it may seem for a child to understand that his or her friend can longer be there to be with them. I've yet to come up with a satisfactory answer to Jonathan's question of who will he play with now that Samantha is gone. She was as much a part of his life as she was mine and Lilly's. I want to thank all the parents whose children brought joy to Samantha’s life. It was our hope and dream that she grow up with each and everyone of your children. Thank you all for your compassion and caring in our time of despair, you have all helped us get to today. There is so much more that Lilly and I wish to share with you about Samantha but it would take 6 years and 3 months to finish. Samantha left us on April 6th 2007 at 5 o’clock in the afternoon; it actually snowed for a little while after she passed.

Reason for this page

My Daughter passed away on April 6th, 2007. I wanted to keep a journal in memory of Samantha so that we'll always be able to have a place to go to remember her.