shopping

Lilly was invited to a baby shower this Sunday so she dragged me along to the Baby Gap this afternoon. I swear every time I go there I get heartsick. I used to love shopping for Samantha's clothes and every thing I touch reminds me of her. I was reminded how small she was and how I used to be able to hold her with one arm. The Gap also went very upscale with the baby clothing, I was very impressed. That's a short one but I gotta go.

a year ago.....

There should be a more fitting word to describe the year that passed than the word anniversary. To me the word anniversary evokes memories of happy moments like birthdays and weddings. The past year has been nothing but somber and depressive. I guess I was expecting the worst on the 6th but something strange came over me. We drove down to Maryland the night before and stayed with my niece, Clarice. I treated the moment like a ceremony that had to be endured, an uphill climb up the steepest mountain.

When we arrived at the temple, Lilly couldn't bring herself to visit Samantha's plot. My brother in law Rob, who came with Lilly's twin Millie, accompanied me on the walk from the car. It was a cold and clammy day with a light drizzle, I guess it was fitting considering the mood that we were in. I had a good cry and instead of feeling drained, there was a lightness in me that I still find hard to describe. Rob and I were able to laugh as we remembered how funny and vibrant Samantha was. As always, I was imagining her running around and playing hide and go seek. Climbing the trees to look down on us. The depression and saddness that had been pent up over the weeks and months began to dissipate with the drizzle. I realized that although this day will be forever marked, it wasn't a day to dread and become depressed about.

I've cried many days since that day but it's not from the overwhelming sense of loss that I used to feel. I still look at her pictures and have to stop my self from thinking that she's still alive. I still turn around to do a double take, thinking that i might have seen her in the periphery. I can still smell her in her old clothes, the ones we couldn't bring ourselves to give away. I see her happy face on the face of my son whenever he laughs. I remember the warmth she gave me as I held her to sleep. I hear her in the mornings, the words "hi daddy, I love you" ring like sweet music even as I write. Yeah, I still miss my little girl and want her back in the worst way. But I am no longer dreading the day Samantha passed away.

Another day that came and went was my birthday. Jonathan decided to take his dad to the movie theatre to watch the new Jackie Chan/Jet Li movie. It was good to spend the last day of vacation with Lilly and Jonathan. I've mainly sat back and kept quiet while observing the dynamic between mother and son. Lilly loves the kid so much and is blind to the fact that she's so controlling of Jonathan's life. It's sometimes unbearable for me to watch and listen to the arguments. Jonathan holds up his end almost too well, I think he'll become an excellent lawyer if that's what he decides to do in life. Lilly and I will both have to let go and allow him to find his bearings. It's hard after what happened with Samantha. I wouldn't know what to do if something happened to him or Lilly for that matter. It's a fear that I'm afraid will remain with me for a very long time.

I had a little heart to heart with Jonathan the other day. Ever since Samantha passed, he seemed to have taken on some of her personalities. I just wanted to let him know that I didn't want him to act that way and the reason he gave me was he knew how much I loved and missed Samantha. He thought that because of my sadness and the tears, I loved Samantha more than him. Could it be that all this time he's been trying to console us, thinking that he was less loved than his sister? All I could do was hold him as hard as I could and tell him that I loved him more than anything in the world. I told him that he didn't need to act like Samantha anymore, I loved him for who he was. He will always be my first born, my pride and joy. I hope that he understood and he will decide to be himself from now on.

where heaven meets earth

We arrived in st lucia yesterday. We are staying at the most picturesque and idyllic place I've ever been. It's as close to heaven as I'll ever get. There are so many couples with kids and of four Jonathan has been going around like he's locked himself in a candy store. The best thing about this place is that they have achildrens program that will occupy him all day long. I also signed lilly up for a 5 day spa package, gives me a whole hour to fully enjoy my time. There is no cell service and very limited WiFi, I'm actually sitting outside of the spa which sits at the very top of the resort. The view from here is simply stunning. The resort sits in an alcove sorrounded by the 2 highest mountains in st lucia. A bottle of beer would absolutely complete me right now.

Even with all the positives of this vacation, I've been thinking of my daughter. It hit me hard on the airplane. I was overwhelmed with how much I miss her. I couldn't stop crying. I was reading a book about angels and I was ok until I got to page containing a prayer. There was also a movie that was playing, forgot the title but it was about a woman who had just lost her husband. He knew he was dying so he set it up so that a letter would come from him at certain times to help her get through her stages of grief. It hit me then that maybe it was a sign to let go of my own grief. I brought a Locke of her hair with me and I was planning to let it scatter with the wind and I think the perfect place to do it is from the top of the resort. I will wait till the end of our stay.

I guess that's it for now. I hope to have more to say in a few more days.

To dance with my daughter again

I took some liberties with Luther Vandross song, "To dance with my father again". It's one of my favorite songs and I get tears everytime I hear it. I love you Samantha!

Back when she was alive
Before her life was removed from us
I liked to lift her high
And dance with her mother and her and then

Spin her around till she fell asleep
Then up the stairs I would carry her
And she knew for sure
She was loved

If I could get another chance
Another walk, another dance with her
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love to dance with my daughter again

When she and her mother would disagree
To get her way she would run from her to me
I'd make her laugh just to comfort her, yeah, yeah
Then finally she'd do just what her mama said

Later that night when she was asleep
I'd smooth her hair and kiss her on the cheek
Never dreamed that she
Would be gone from me

If I could steal one final glance
One final step, one final dance with her
I' play a song that would never, ever end
Cause I'd love, love, love to dance with my daughter
again

Sometimes I'll stand outside her door
And I think I could hear her voice
I pray that I can have her back with me
I pray that I can have her back with me

I know I'm prayin for much too much
But could you send back the only girl I loved
I know You don't do it usually
But lord, I'm dyin to dance with my daughter again
Every night I fall asleep
And this is all I ever dream

The emptiness doesn't go away

Call it the weather, maybe it's because it's almost a year but I'm finding it harder and harder to get a good nights sleep. I either can't fall asleep until well past midnight or I'll get up in the middle of the night unable to fall back to sleep. Every once in a while, I'll be lucky enough to remember a dream I had of Samantha but mostly my dreams are forgotten with with the dawning of a new day. I want her to visit me so badly, I've even resorted to listening to subliminal sleep music. It's actually worked.

It's been especially tough this past week because we've had our neice, Megan, over to stay. She's such a cute girl and she reminds me so much of what I miss in my daughter. I'll be playing with Megan and something would come up where I automatically think of Samantha. The other day Jonathan was playing tag with Megan and chasing her around the dining room table. She wanted me to pick her up and chase Jonathan and it was all fun and games until it hit me that that's what we used to do with Samantha. It was like being hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer. I had to stop playing and sit for awhile, the kids were disappointed but I just couldn't go on.

Samantha's hair was always a mess, just like Megan's. She used to get mad at me when I'd try running my hand through the knots in her hair. I guess it hurt when the hairs were pulled out, but I just couldn't help it. I would offer to use a brush but chances were fifty/fifty on her saying yes. I used to like tying her hair for her in a ponytail and I tried that with Megan but it wasn't the same. Am I trying to bring back Samantha by doing things with Megan that Samantha and I used to do? I guess I am. The other night we were watching tv and Megan fell asleep in my arms. I missed that. The funny thing is that Megan likes to touch with her hands just like Samantha did. One of the last things I remember of Samantha is her hands touching my arms as I held her the night before she passed.

We decided on a vaction spot last week. After so much angst about how much it would cost to visit Italy, I decided on St. Lucia. We are going from April 11th to April 17th. The funny thing is that the cost of the trip will be about the same as if we'd gone to Italy. The difference is that we'd be able to speak the english language and be understood. The place that we will be staying at is the Jalousie Plantation, an absolutely gorgeous resort situated on 180 acres of western coast of St. Lucia. One of the things that caught my attention was on their website. They used a slogan "Where Heaven meets Earth". I've wanted to have pictures of Samantha and Jonathan tattooed on me with the words "Heaven and Earth" under each picture. I new this was some kind of sign. I haven't told Lilly but I plan to take some of her hair with us and let them scatter with the breeze.

I thought that December was pretty bad but I'm getting this feeling that the anniversary of her death will be much worse. I can't even believe that it's been almost a year since Samantha passed. I've been thinking of her everyday and the pain hasn't eased with time. If this is how I feel after almost a year, I know that things will not get easier. How can it?

life moves on

Although life will never be the same for us, our lives and everyone elses sadly moves forward. We go on planning our lives, only now we plan for three instead of four. There's constant reminders that things are no longer natural. It's so much easier to buy things for four rather than three. It's especially hard to watch other dad's doing normal everyday things with their daughters. I can't help but be envious of the bond they share, the same bond I no longer share. We went out for dinner last night and we sat with me sitting across from lilly and Jonathan sitting right next to her. When I realized that the seat next to me was always samantha's, ialmost lost it. When Jonathan complained about how spicy the food was, I remembered how much samantha liked eating spicy.

I don't know many kids have already have forgotten our daughter, it's only natural but there is one who still remembers. One of her best friends since pre school, Dani Lynn keeps a scrap book in Samanatha's memory. When lilly saw it for the first time, it warmed and broke her heart at the same time. It is my sincerest hope that she remain close to us for the rest of our lives. I still wonder if Jonathan has retained any memories of his sister, it might be pushed back inside a filing cabinet in his brain but I'm sure there. It hurts when he sometimes goes about his business as if Samantha was a distant memory.

I saw a therapist for the first time last night. It was difficult to open up to a total stranger but she was the first person other than Lilly that I've spoken to about what's been going on. I'm not quite sold on the whole therapy thing but I did feel a sense that a weight was taken off my shoulders. You realize that there's so much that needs to come out and before I knew it the 1 hour was done. I know that there are some underlying issues that need to get straightened out but I don't think it'll get done through therapy. The weird thing is that a lot of what this therapist was trying to relate to me was regurgitated from stuff I've read online. I almost expected the words to come out before she started talking, how freaky is that? At least it only costs me my co-pay, she's in my insurance plan. Only time will tell.

Lilly and I went to see her doctor to get a 2nd opinion on what to do about getting pregnant. It was very emotional because her doctor was not aware of Samantha's passing. He delivered both the kids. He recommended that we stop messing around and consider an anonymous egg donor. Lilly has to get over the fact that the eggs aren't hers but she will be carrying the baby and giving birth to the baby. The chances are almost 50/50 that she can become pregnant with an egg from a donor and 25% that she carries to term. I think it is something that we should put a lot of thought to before we do it but we are running out of alternatives. The good thing about asians is that we all look alike so it'll be hard to tell if the baby looks like Lilly, I'm kidding, I swear I'm kidding.

Happy Birthday Monkey!

It would have been Samantha's 7th birthday today. I've been waiting for this day with trepidation, I didn't know how I would be handling it. So far so good. I had a good cry in the car while driving to work, I even have a happy pill ready just in case. I feel spent emotionally, Christmas, anniversary and now today. I just want to get through the day and go home for a long sleep. Unfortunately, sleep has been very hard to come by lately. I started to get up between 4am and 5am for about 3 weeks leading up to Christmas. I thought I could have a few drinks before bed to help me sleep longer but it didn't really help, I kept getting up in the middle of the to relieve the bladder. I finally got some relief the day after Christmas and I was fine until this morning. I woke up at 5am and just could not get back to sleep.

One of our friends gave us a dvd yesterday, it was from Jonathan's birthday last year. I have very little video of the kids and it has been one of my biggest regrets. We had to watch the dvd on our computer because it wasn't formatted properly. When I heard Samantha's voice, it was the first time since the morning I kissed her goodbye. I wanted to absorb every minute into memory, every last shout, every last laugh, every last movement. I was thankful for the chance to see her at play even if it was only in video.

Time to get back to work, I'll get back on later........