a year ago.....

There should be a more fitting word to describe the year that passed than the word anniversary. To me the word anniversary evokes memories of happy moments like birthdays and weddings. The past year has been nothing but somber and depressive. I guess I was expecting the worst on the 6th but something strange came over me. We drove down to Maryland the night before and stayed with my niece, Clarice. I treated the moment like a ceremony that had to be endured, an uphill climb up the steepest mountain.

When we arrived at the temple, Lilly couldn't bring herself to visit Samantha's plot. My brother in law Rob, who came with Lilly's twin Millie, accompanied me on the walk from the car. It was a cold and clammy day with a light drizzle, I guess it was fitting considering the mood that we were in. I had a good cry and instead of feeling drained, there was a lightness in me that I still find hard to describe. Rob and I were able to laugh as we remembered how funny and vibrant Samantha was. As always, I was imagining her running around and playing hide and go seek. Climbing the trees to look down on us. The depression and saddness that had been pent up over the weeks and months began to dissipate with the drizzle. I realized that although this day will be forever marked, it wasn't a day to dread and become depressed about.

I've cried many days since that day but it's not from the overwhelming sense of loss that I used to feel. I still look at her pictures and have to stop my self from thinking that she's still alive. I still turn around to do a double take, thinking that i might have seen her in the periphery. I can still smell her in her old clothes, the ones we couldn't bring ourselves to give away. I see her happy face on the face of my son whenever he laughs. I remember the warmth she gave me as I held her to sleep. I hear her in the mornings, the words "hi daddy, I love you" ring like sweet music even as I write. Yeah, I still miss my little girl and want her back in the worst way. But I am no longer dreading the day Samantha passed away.

Another day that came and went was my birthday. Jonathan decided to take his dad to the movie theatre to watch the new Jackie Chan/Jet Li movie. It was good to spend the last day of vacation with Lilly and Jonathan. I've mainly sat back and kept quiet while observing the dynamic between mother and son. Lilly loves the kid so much and is blind to the fact that she's so controlling of Jonathan's life. It's sometimes unbearable for me to watch and listen to the arguments. Jonathan holds up his end almost too well, I think he'll become an excellent lawyer if that's what he decides to do in life. Lilly and I will both have to let go and allow him to find his bearings. It's hard after what happened with Samantha. I wouldn't know what to do if something happened to him or Lilly for that matter. It's a fear that I'm afraid will remain with me for a very long time.

I had a little heart to heart with Jonathan the other day. Ever since Samantha passed, he seemed to have taken on some of her personalities. I just wanted to let him know that I didn't want him to act that way and the reason he gave me was he knew how much I loved and missed Samantha. He thought that because of my sadness and the tears, I loved Samantha more than him. Could it be that all this time he's been trying to console us, thinking that he was less loved than his sister? All I could do was hold him as hard as I could and tell him that I loved him more than anything in the world. I told him that he didn't need to act like Samantha anymore, I loved him for who he was. He will always be my first born, my pride and joy. I hope that he understood and he will decide to be himself from now on.