Happy Birthday Monkey!

It would have been Samantha's 7th birthday today. I've been waiting for this day with trepidation, I didn't know how I would be handling it. So far so good. I had a good cry in the car while driving to work, I even have a happy pill ready just in case. I feel spent emotionally, Christmas, anniversary and now today. I just want to get through the day and go home for a long sleep. Unfortunately, sleep has been very hard to come by lately. I started to get up between 4am and 5am for about 3 weeks leading up to Christmas. I thought I could have a few drinks before bed to help me sleep longer but it didn't really help, I kept getting up in the middle of the to relieve the bladder. I finally got some relief the day after Christmas and I was fine until this morning. I woke up at 5am and just could not get back to sleep.

One of our friends gave us a dvd yesterday, it was from Jonathan's birthday last year. I have very little video of the kids and it has been one of my biggest regrets. We had to watch the dvd on our computer because it wasn't formatted properly. When I heard Samantha's voice, it was the first time since the morning I kissed her goodbye. I wanted to absorb every minute into memory, every last shout, every last laugh, every last movement. I was thankful for the chance to see her at play even if it was only in video.

Time to get back to work, I'll get back on later........

Somewhere over the rainbow

This is a video of one of my favorite songs. It makes me happy when I listen to it and the pictures remind me of Samantha. I hope that anyone who wathes will think of happy thoughts. As you watch the video, imagine a little girl running through the meadows, laughing and screaming for joy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA&feature=related

just copy and paste to browser

Letter from Santa

Jonathan found this letter this morning, placed under the cup of finished milk. I am thankful that he hasn't lost his belief in Santa, we live in too cynical a world and I want him to believe as long as possible. It has been an emotional day, I can't stop the tears nor do I want to. Rob couldn't bring himself to dress up as Santa this year, I don't blame him but Jonathan was very disappointed that Santa didn't show. I was hoping that he would continue the tradition for his daughter, megan but I know that he had done it in years past for Samantha.


Dear Jonathan;

Thank you for the milk and cookies, they were delicious. You are a special boy and I heard you have done a good job taking care of your parents. I read your list and I checked it twice. I even spoke with a little angel who you know and she told me that you weren't too naughty and mostly nice. She promised me that she will keep an eye out for you if I got everthing on your list.

Love

Santa.

Just one day

My Dearest Samantha;

I heard today that the first kids that Santa visits are the little angels in heaven. Did you make your wish list for Santa to see? You don't get a free pass on naughty so I hope you've been nice. When you're done with your list just one thing more, ask Santa if he can grant your dad just one wish if he could. If he could grant me that one wish the wish would be this, for your mom and I to have you back in our arms for just one more day. I promise I won't get greedy and ask for more time, just one more day is all I ask. You left so sudden as you well know and I didn't even have the chance to tell you how much I loved you. That would be the first thing I'd tell you if given the chance, the second would be I'm sorry. Sorry that I couldn't protect my little girl like all daddy's should. For just one day I'd like to see the happiness return to your mother's face and hear the laughter that's been missing from your brother's voice. Oh and the third thing would be to hold you until it was time to let you go. For just one day.

Your birthday is right after, you get another wish. Please ask god to grant your daddy this one wish. I want to join you in heaven, if only for a day. Spread your wings and let me see how high you can fly. That sight I want to see so that it'll last with me til I am ready to join you again. I want to hold your hand in heaven and walk past the gates. I imagined rolling hills with daffodils, beautiful weeping willows and colorful butterflies that flutter without a care in the world. Let me see you do hand stands and cartwheels while laughing with joy. I want to chase you barefoot through the clouds playing hide n go seek and read you your bedtime story while putting you to sleep. I'd stroke you hair and touch your face remembering how it was. For just one more day.

Love,

Daddy