It would have been Samantha's 7th birthday today. I've been waiting for this day with trepidation, I didn't know how I would be handling it. So far so good. I had a good cry in the car while driving to work, I even have a happy pill ready just in case. I feel spent emotionally, Christmas, anniversary and now today. I just want to get through the day and go home for a long sleep. Unfortunately, sleep has been very hard to come by lately. I started to get up between 4am and 5am for about 3 weeks leading up to Christmas. I thought I could have a few drinks before bed to help me sleep longer but it didn't really help, I kept getting up in the middle of the to relieve the bladder. I finally got some relief the day after Christmas and I was fine until this morning. I woke up at 5am and just could not get back to sleep.
One of our friends gave us a dvd yesterday, it was from Jonathan's birthday last year. I have very little video of the kids and it has been one of my biggest regrets. We had to watch the dvd on our computer because it wasn't formatted properly. When I heard Samantha's voice, it was the first time since the morning I kissed her goodbye. I wanted to absorb every minute into memory, every last shout, every last laugh, every last movement. I was thankful for the chance to see her at play even if it was only in video.
Time to get back to work, I'll get back on later........
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Somewhere over the rainbow
This is a video of one of my favorite songs. It makes me happy when I listen to it and the pictures remind me of Samantha. I hope that anyone who wathes will think of happy thoughts. As you watch the video, imagine a little girl running through the meadows, laughing and screaming for joy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA&feature=related
just copy and paste to browser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA&feature=related
just copy and paste to browser
Letter from Santa
Jonathan found this letter this morning, placed under the cup of finished milk. I am thankful that he hasn't lost his belief in Santa, we live in too cynical a world and I want him to believe as long as possible. It has been an emotional day, I can't stop the tears nor do I want to. Rob couldn't bring himself to dress up as Santa this year, I don't blame him but Jonathan was very disappointed that Santa didn't show. I was hoping that he would continue the tradition for his daughter, megan but I know that he had done it in years past for Samantha.
Dear Jonathan;
Thank you for the milk and cookies, they were delicious. You are a special boy and I heard you have done a good job taking care of your parents. I read your list and I checked it twice. I even spoke with a little angel who you know and she told me that you weren't too naughty and mostly nice. She promised me that she will keep an eye out for you if I got everthing on your list.
Love
Santa.
Dear Jonathan;
Thank you for the milk and cookies, they were delicious. You are a special boy and I heard you have done a good job taking care of your parents. I read your list and I checked it twice. I even spoke with a little angel who you know and she told me that you weren't too naughty and mostly nice. She promised me that she will keep an eye out for you if I got everthing on your list.
Love
Santa.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Just one day
My Dearest Samantha;
I heard today that the first kids that Santa visits are the little angels in heaven. Did you make your wish list for Santa to see? You don't get a free pass on naughty so I hope you've been nice. When you're done with your list just one thing more, ask Santa if he can grant your dad just one wish if he could. If he could grant me that one wish the wish would be this, for your mom and I to have you back in our arms for just one more day. I promise I won't get greedy and ask for more time, just one more day is all I ask. You left so sudden as you well know and I didn't even have the chance to tell you how much I loved you. That would be the first thing I'd tell you if given the chance, the second would be I'm sorry. Sorry that I couldn't protect my little girl like all daddy's should. For just one day I'd like to see the happiness return to your mother's face and hear the laughter that's been missing from your brother's voice. Oh and the third thing would be to hold you until it was time to let you go. For just one day.
Your birthday is right after, you get another wish. Please ask god to grant your daddy this one wish. I want to join you in heaven, if only for a day. Spread your wings and let me see how high you can fly. That sight I want to see so that it'll last with me til I am ready to join you again. I want to hold your hand in heaven and walk past the gates. I imagined rolling hills with daffodils, beautiful weeping willows and colorful butterflies that flutter without a care in the world. Let me see you do hand stands and cartwheels while laughing with joy. I want to chase you barefoot through the clouds playing hide n go seek and read you your bedtime story while putting you to sleep. I'd stroke you hair and touch your face remembering how it was. For just one more day.
Love,
Daddy
I heard today that the first kids that Santa visits are the little angels in heaven. Did you make your wish list for Santa to see? You don't get a free pass on naughty so I hope you've been nice. When you're done with your list just one thing more, ask Santa if he can grant your dad just one wish if he could. If he could grant me that one wish the wish would be this, for your mom and I to have you back in our arms for just one more day. I promise I won't get greedy and ask for more time, just one more day is all I ask. You left so sudden as you well know and I didn't even have the chance to tell you how much I loved you. That would be the first thing I'd tell you if given the chance, the second would be I'm sorry. Sorry that I couldn't protect my little girl like all daddy's should. For just one day I'd like to see the happiness return to your mother's face and hear the laughter that's been missing from your brother's voice. Oh and the third thing would be to hold you until it was time to let you go. For just one day.
Your birthday is right after, you get another wish. Please ask god to grant your daddy this one wish. I want to join you in heaven, if only for a day. Spread your wings and let me see how high you can fly. That sight I want to see so that it'll last with me til I am ready to join you again. I want to hold your hand in heaven and walk past the gates. I imagined rolling hills with daffodils, beautiful weeping willows and colorful butterflies that flutter without a care in the world. Let me see you do hand stands and cartwheels while laughing with joy. I want to chase you barefoot through the clouds playing hide n go seek and read you your bedtime story while putting you to sleep. I'd stroke you hair and touch your face remembering how it was. For just one more day.
Love,
Daddy
Monday, November 26, 2007
The Holidays
Christmas is barely a few weeks away and I'm already beginning to feel the sadness and depression. I came home early on Saturday, no one was home and I decided to mend the torn lining in my jacket pockets and sleaves. I decided to use a pair of my daughter's favorite socks as extra fabric. I couldn't stop crying as I sewed the remnents into the sleave lining, they are the most absurdly colorful socks that you will ever see. I felt by adding a piece of her favorite clothing to one of my favorite jackets, she would remain closer to me. I know she would have been tickled pink seeing her colorful socks on the lining of my sleeves, Lilly and Jonathan had a good laugh about it. Lilly and I also got a good cry out of it also, those socks just brought back a flood of memories.
We debated for a little while on whether to get a christmas tree this year and I realized that it would be selfish for us not to have one. We still need to make sure that Jonathan was going to have his best Christmas. We've been taking him to therapy at the Hackensack Medical Center. The SIDS foundation has a wing at the hospital and they do an amazing job of reaching out to the parents and siblings of children who pass away unexpectedly or suddenly. Lilly started seeing a licensed clinical social worker(Joseph Chan) who has been a godsend to our family. Jonathan's seen him twice and has been receptive to Joe's efforts at listening. I know I will need to speek with someone at some point but I've got other issues that I hope to work my way through.
When I was growing up, our family never had a christmas tree. I didn't discover the joy of decorating a tree until the kids were born. I get a rush of emotion every time I even think of having to decorate the tree without Samantha. She loved decorating the top of the tree because I would have to sit her on top of my shoulder as she reached for a branch. I would have to alternate between Samantha and Jonathan, I was pretty tired by the time we finished. It would be an annual ritual to hear her getting yelled at for dropping a ball that would break. Lilly was more annoyed at having to clean up the broken pieces than having to replace a ball. The scolding she'd get was always forgotten immediately as she would go and pick up another ornament to hang.
Lilly and I went to pick out a tree on Saturday night. We found a 9 ft tree that just seemed right. Jonathan decided to stay at a friends house until we were home, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to have him come along. When we picked him up from his friends house, he was pretty excited about decorating the tree but we usually wait a day to allow the branches to settle. When we woke up Sunday morning, we came down stairs to the smell of pine. When Lilly brought out the tree ornaments, the first things that we put on the tree were the ornaments that Samantha had made the last few years. I started crying with the first picture ornament that Jonathan handed me and I don't think I've stopped. All those happy, funny memories of Samantha hit me like a hurricane. I'm ashamed to admit that Jonathan had to come over to me to comfort me, shouldn't it be my job to comfort him?
I knew coming in to the holidays that it was going to be tough on us but I had absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm alone in the middle of the sea with no help in sight. I am sometimes so detached from things going on and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with things that need to get done. I feel bad for Lilly because she has to deal with Jonathan and I haven't really been a lot of help to her. The monotony of waking up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep has affected the both of us. I'm ashamed to admit to thinking if this is all there is to my life. I've asked this of myself so many times since Samantha passed yet I've done absolutely nothing to change. If I cry for help who'll listen?
We debated for a little while on whether to get a christmas tree this year and I realized that it would be selfish for us not to have one. We still need to make sure that Jonathan was going to have his best Christmas. We've been taking him to therapy at the Hackensack Medical Center. The SIDS foundation has a wing at the hospital and they do an amazing job of reaching out to the parents and siblings of children who pass away unexpectedly or suddenly. Lilly started seeing a licensed clinical social worker(Joseph Chan) who has been a godsend to our family. Jonathan's seen him twice and has been receptive to Joe's efforts at listening. I know I will need to speek with someone at some point but I've got other issues that I hope to work my way through.
When I was growing up, our family never had a christmas tree. I didn't discover the joy of decorating a tree until the kids were born. I get a rush of emotion every time I even think of having to decorate the tree without Samantha. She loved decorating the top of the tree because I would have to sit her on top of my shoulder as she reached for a branch. I would have to alternate between Samantha and Jonathan, I was pretty tired by the time we finished. It would be an annual ritual to hear her getting yelled at for dropping a ball that would break. Lilly was more annoyed at having to clean up the broken pieces than having to replace a ball. The scolding she'd get was always forgotten immediately as she would go and pick up another ornament to hang.
Lilly and I went to pick out a tree on Saturday night. We found a 9 ft tree that just seemed right. Jonathan decided to stay at a friends house until we were home, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to have him come along. When we picked him up from his friends house, he was pretty excited about decorating the tree but we usually wait a day to allow the branches to settle. When we woke up Sunday morning, we came down stairs to the smell of pine. When Lilly brought out the tree ornaments, the first things that we put on the tree were the ornaments that Samantha had made the last few years. I started crying with the first picture ornament that Jonathan handed me and I don't think I've stopped. All those happy, funny memories of Samantha hit me like a hurricane. I'm ashamed to admit that Jonathan had to come over to me to comfort me, shouldn't it be my job to comfort him?
I knew coming in to the holidays that it was going to be tough on us but I had absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm alone in the middle of the sea with no help in sight. I am sometimes so detached from things going on and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with things that need to get done. I feel bad for Lilly because she has to deal with Jonathan and I haven't really been a lot of help to her. The monotony of waking up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep has affected the both of us. I'm ashamed to admit to thinking if this is all there is to my life. I've asked this of myself so many times since Samantha passed yet I've done absolutely nothing to change. If I cry for help who'll listen?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
The other side of Happiness
I wake up now wishing your face would be an arms length from sleep weary eyes. I want to hear your oh so sweet voice just more time, telling daddy how much you love me. I go through your clothes, the ones your mom could not bring herself to give away and I inhale deeply just hoping to catch any remnents of your scent. I still look behind as I walk, thinking it might have been just another nightmare. Wanting to see you following without a care in the world. I hear your brother's giggles and I can hear you clear as day, laughing along for no reason at all. I feel the pain you must have felt in your heart the day you passed, I live with it every day.
I keep a picture of you on my computer, Uncle Rob took it for your passport photo. I'm overwhelmed by how beautiful and mature you looked. When work seems chaotic or I sense myself losing control, I look at your face for reassurance. I sometimes feel that tingling sensation, the goose bumps on the arms and I think of you. Are you keeping me company? How about that incident with the bed? I've been leaving the lights on without realizing it but there are moments where I wonder if it's you playing games with your dad. How about the close calls on the highway, there have been a few these past few months, are you watching over me? If it was one or two things that couldn't be explained, I probably wouldn't thinkg twice but the more I think back to these past months the more I'm beginning to suspect. You may no longer be here in body but you are with me in spirit.
Your Aunt Millie and Uncle Rob are finally getting married. They will tie the knot on Oct 7th. It hurts me to remember how much you wanted to be a part of their wedding. I don't want to be there but you know your Aunt Millie, I don't think she would forgive me if I didn't show up. She's been waiting for this day for a very long time. I will be thinking of you and I will picture you as the bride on your wedding day. On a day meant for joy, i will be feeling nothing but profound sadness.
I keep a picture of you on my computer, Uncle Rob took it for your passport photo. I'm overwhelmed by how beautiful and mature you looked. When work seems chaotic or I sense myself losing control, I look at your face for reassurance. I sometimes feel that tingling sensation, the goose bumps on the arms and I think of you. Are you keeping me company? How about that incident with the bed? I've been leaving the lights on without realizing it but there are moments where I wonder if it's you playing games with your dad. How about the close calls on the highway, there have been a few these past few months, are you watching over me? If it was one or two things that couldn't be explained, I probably wouldn't thinkg twice but the more I think back to these past months the more I'm beginning to suspect. You may no longer be here in body but you are with me in spirit.
Your Aunt Millie and Uncle Rob are finally getting married. They will tie the knot on Oct 7th. It hurts me to remember how much you wanted to be a part of their wedding. I don't want to be there but you know your Aunt Millie, I don't think she would forgive me if I didn't show up. She's been waiting for this day for a very long time. I will be thinking of you and I will picture you as the bride on your wedding day. On a day meant for joy, i will be feeling nothing but profound sadness.
Monday, August 20, 2007
missing you more than ever
it's been awhile since i last wrote and i guess it had to do lot with me not wanting to repeat myself in the posts. i realize now that no matter how many times i write how much i miss Samantha, it would never be enough. these past few months have gone by at a snail's pace for me, i used to think that time was running out on me but now i find that it can't go by soon enough. we've kept Jonathan occupied as best as we could this summer but there's something about him that's changed forever. he had this clownish personality to him that exuded a no care attitude about things. i see it far less now. maybe it was something i saw in Samantha and i am projecting it on him but it is definately not there as much. Lilly and i have been relying on each other to deal with our loss, after all who knows better than us how devastating it's been? it breaks my heart to see the sadness that is now permantly etched on Lilly's face, i see the same sadness whenever i look in the mirror.
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