Call it the weather, maybe it's because it's almost a year but I'm finding it harder and harder to get a good nights sleep. I either can't fall asleep until well past midnight or I'll get up in the middle of the night unable to fall back to sleep. Every once in a while, I'll be lucky enough to remember a dream I had of Samantha but mostly my dreams are forgotten with with the dawning of a new day. I want her to visit me so badly, I've even resorted to listening to subliminal sleep music. It's actually worked.
It's been especially tough this past week because we've had our neice, Megan, over to stay. She's such a cute girl and she reminds me so much of what I miss in my daughter. I'll be playing with Megan and something would come up where I automatically think of Samantha. The other day Jonathan was playing tag with Megan and chasing her around the dining room table. She wanted me to pick her up and chase Jonathan and it was all fun and games until it hit me that that's what we used to do with Samantha. It was like being hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer. I had to stop playing and sit for awhile, the kids were disappointed but I just couldn't go on.
Samantha's hair was always a mess, just like Megan's. She used to get mad at me when I'd try running my hand through the knots in her hair. I guess it hurt when the hairs were pulled out, but I just couldn't help it. I would offer to use a brush but chances were fifty/fifty on her saying yes. I used to like tying her hair for her in a ponytail and I tried that with Megan but it wasn't the same. Am I trying to bring back Samantha by doing things with Megan that Samantha and I used to do? I guess I am. The other night we were watching tv and Megan fell asleep in my arms. I missed that. The funny thing is that Megan likes to touch with her hands just like Samantha did. One of the last things I remember of Samantha is her hands touching my arms as I held her the night before she passed.
We decided on a vaction spot last week. After so much angst about how much it would cost to visit Italy, I decided on St. Lucia. We are going from April 11th to April 17th. The funny thing is that the cost of the trip will be about the same as if we'd gone to Italy. The difference is that we'd be able to speak the english language and be understood. The place that we will be staying at is the Jalousie Plantation, an absolutely gorgeous resort situated on 180 acres of western coast of St. Lucia. One of the things that caught my attention was on their website. They used a slogan "Where Heaven meets Earth". I've wanted to have pictures of Samantha and Jonathan tattooed on me with the words "Heaven and Earth" under each picture. I new this was some kind of sign. I haven't told Lilly but I plan to take some of her hair with us and let them scatter with the breeze.
I thought that December was pretty bad but I'm getting this feeling that the anniversary of her death will be much worse. I can't even believe that it's been almost a year since Samantha passed. I've been thinking of her everyday and the pain hasn't eased with time. If this is how I feel after almost a year, I know that things will not get easier. How can it?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
life moves on
Although life will never be the same for us, our lives and everyone elses sadly moves forward. We go on planning our lives, only now we plan for three instead of four. There's constant reminders that things are no longer natural. It's so much easier to buy things for four rather than three. It's especially hard to watch other dad's doing normal everyday things with their daughters. I can't help but be envious of the bond they share, the same bond I no longer share. We went out for dinner last night and we sat with me sitting across from lilly and Jonathan sitting right next to her. When I realized that the seat next to me was always samantha's, ialmost lost it. When Jonathan complained about how spicy the food was, I remembered how much samantha liked eating spicy.
I don't know many kids have already have forgotten our daughter, it's only natural but there is one who still remembers. One of her best friends since pre school, Dani Lynn keeps a scrap book in Samanatha's memory. When lilly saw it for the first time, it warmed and broke her heart at the same time. It is my sincerest hope that she remain close to us for the rest of our lives. I still wonder if Jonathan has retained any memories of his sister, it might be pushed back inside a filing cabinet in his brain but I'm sure there. It hurts when he sometimes goes about his business as if Samantha was a distant memory.
I saw a therapist for the first time last night. It was difficult to open up to a total stranger but she was the first person other than Lilly that I've spoken to about what's been going on. I'm not quite sold on the whole therapy thing but I did feel a sense that a weight was taken off my shoulders. You realize that there's so much that needs to come out and before I knew it the 1 hour was done. I know that there are some underlying issues that need to get straightened out but I don't think it'll get done through therapy. The weird thing is that a lot of what this therapist was trying to relate to me was regurgitated from stuff I've read online. I almost expected the words to come out before she started talking, how freaky is that? At least it only costs me my co-pay, she's in my insurance plan. Only time will tell.
Lilly and I went to see her doctor to get a 2nd opinion on what to do about getting pregnant. It was very emotional because her doctor was not aware of Samantha's passing. He delivered both the kids. He recommended that we stop messing around and consider an anonymous egg donor. Lilly has to get over the fact that the eggs aren't hers but she will be carrying the baby and giving birth to the baby. The chances are almost 50/50 that she can become pregnant with an egg from a donor and 25% that she carries to term. I think it is something that we should put a lot of thought to before we do it but we are running out of alternatives. The good thing about asians is that we all look alike so it'll be hard to tell if the baby looks like Lilly, I'm kidding, I swear I'm kidding.
I don't know many kids have already have forgotten our daughter, it's only natural but there is one who still remembers. One of her best friends since pre school, Dani Lynn keeps a scrap book in Samanatha's memory. When lilly saw it for the first time, it warmed and broke her heart at the same time. It is my sincerest hope that she remain close to us for the rest of our lives. I still wonder if Jonathan has retained any memories of his sister, it might be pushed back inside a filing cabinet in his brain but I'm sure there. It hurts when he sometimes goes about his business as if Samantha was a distant memory.
I saw a therapist for the first time last night. It was difficult to open up to a total stranger but she was the first person other than Lilly that I've spoken to about what's been going on. I'm not quite sold on the whole therapy thing but I did feel a sense that a weight was taken off my shoulders. You realize that there's so much that needs to come out and before I knew it the 1 hour was done. I know that there are some underlying issues that need to get straightened out but I don't think it'll get done through therapy. The weird thing is that a lot of what this therapist was trying to relate to me was regurgitated from stuff I've read online. I almost expected the words to come out before she started talking, how freaky is that? At least it only costs me my co-pay, she's in my insurance plan. Only time will tell.
Lilly and I went to see her doctor to get a 2nd opinion on what to do about getting pregnant. It was very emotional because her doctor was not aware of Samantha's passing. He delivered both the kids. He recommended that we stop messing around and consider an anonymous egg donor. Lilly has to get over the fact that the eggs aren't hers but she will be carrying the baby and giving birth to the baby. The chances are almost 50/50 that she can become pregnant with an egg from a donor and 25% that she carries to term. I think it is something that we should put a lot of thought to before we do it but we are running out of alternatives. The good thing about asians is that we all look alike so it'll be hard to tell if the baby looks like Lilly, I'm kidding, I swear I'm kidding.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Happy Birthday Monkey!
It would have been Samantha's 7th birthday today. I've been waiting for this day with trepidation, I didn't know how I would be handling it. So far so good. I had a good cry in the car while driving to work, I even have a happy pill ready just in case. I feel spent emotionally, Christmas, anniversary and now today. I just want to get through the day and go home for a long sleep. Unfortunately, sleep has been very hard to come by lately. I started to get up between 4am and 5am for about 3 weeks leading up to Christmas. I thought I could have a few drinks before bed to help me sleep longer but it didn't really help, I kept getting up in the middle of the to relieve the bladder. I finally got some relief the day after Christmas and I was fine until this morning. I woke up at 5am and just could not get back to sleep.
One of our friends gave us a dvd yesterday, it was from Jonathan's birthday last year. I have very little video of the kids and it has been one of my biggest regrets. We had to watch the dvd on our computer because it wasn't formatted properly. When I heard Samantha's voice, it was the first time since the morning I kissed her goodbye. I wanted to absorb every minute into memory, every last shout, every last laugh, every last movement. I was thankful for the chance to see her at play even if it was only in video.
Time to get back to work, I'll get back on later........
One of our friends gave us a dvd yesterday, it was from Jonathan's birthday last year. I have very little video of the kids and it has been one of my biggest regrets. We had to watch the dvd on our computer because it wasn't formatted properly. When I heard Samantha's voice, it was the first time since the morning I kissed her goodbye. I wanted to absorb every minute into memory, every last shout, every last laugh, every last movement. I was thankful for the chance to see her at play even if it was only in video.
Time to get back to work, I'll get back on later........
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Somewhere over the rainbow
This is a video of one of my favorite songs. It makes me happy when I listen to it and the pictures remind me of Samantha. I hope that anyone who wathes will think of happy thoughts. As you watch the video, imagine a little girl running through the meadows, laughing and screaming for joy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA&feature=related
just copy and paste to browser
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA&feature=related
just copy and paste to browser
Letter from Santa
Jonathan found this letter this morning, placed under the cup of finished milk. I am thankful that he hasn't lost his belief in Santa, we live in too cynical a world and I want him to believe as long as possible. It has been an emotional day, I can't stop the tears nor do I want to. Rob couldn't bring himself to dress up as Santa this year, I don't blame him but Jonathan was very disappointed that Santa didn't show. I was hoping that he would continue the tradition for his daughter, megan but I know that he had done it in years past for Samantha.
Dear Jonathan;
Thank you for the milk and cookies, they were delicious. You are a special boy and I heard you have done a good job taking care of your parents. I read your list and I checked it twice. I even spoke with a little angel who you know and she told me that you weren't too naughty and mostly nice. She promised me that she will keep an eye out for you if I got everthing on your list.
Love
Santa.
Dear Jonathan;
Thank you for the milk and cookies, they were delicious. You are a special boy and I heard you have done a good job taking care of your parents. I read your list and I checked it twice. I even spoke with a little angel who you know and she told me that you weren't too naughty and mostly nice. She promised me that she will keep an eye out for you if I got everthing on your list.
Love
Santa.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Just one day
My Dearest Samantha;
I heard today that the first kids that Santa visits are the little angels in heaven. Did you make your wish list for Santa to see? You don't get a free pass on naughty so I hope you've been nice. When you're done with your list just one thing more, ask Santa if he can grant your dad just one wish if he could. If he could grant me that one wish the wish would be this, for your mom and I to have you back in our arms for just one more day. I promise I won't get greedy and ask for more time, just one more day is all I ask. You left so sudden as you well know and I didn't even have the chance to tell you how much I loved you. That would be the first thing I'd tell you if given the chance, the second would be I'm sorry. Sorry that I couldn't protect my little girl like all daddy's should. For just one day I'd like to see the happiness return to your mother's face and hear the laughter that's been missing from your brother's voice. Oh and the third thing would be to hold you until it was time to let you go. For just one day.
Your birthday is right after, you get another wish. Please ask god to grant your daddy this one wish. I want to join you in heaven, if only for a day. Spread your wings and let me see how high you can fly. That sight I want to see so that it'll last with me til I am ready to join you again. I want to hold your hand in heaven and walk past the gates. I imagined rolling hills with daffodils, beautiful weeping willows and colorful butterflies that flutter without a care in the world. Let me see you do hand stands and cartwheels while laughing with joy. I want to chase you barefoot through the clouds playing hide n go seek and read you your bedtime story while putting you to sleep. I'd stroke you hair and touch your face remembering how it was. For just one more day.
Love,
Daddy
I heard today that the first kids that Santa visits are the little angels in heaven. Did you make your wish list for Santa to see? You don't get a free pass on naughty so I hope you've been nice. When you're done with your list just one thing more, ask Santa if he can grant your dad just one wish if he could. If he could grant me that one wish the wish would be this, for your mom and I to have you back in our arms for just one more day. I promise I won't get greedy and ask for more time, just one more day is all I ask. You left so sudden as you well know and I didn't even have the chance to tell you how much I loved you. That would be the first thing I'd tell you if given the chance, the second would be I'm sorry. Sorry that I couldn't protect my little girl like all daddy's should. For just one day I'd like to see the happiness return to your mother's face and hear the laughter that's been missing from your brother's voice. Oh and the third thing would be to hold you until it was time to let you go. For just one day.
Your birthday is right after, you get another wish. Please ask god to grant your daddy this one wish. I want to join you in heaven, if only for a day. Spread your wings and let me see how high you can fly. That sight I want to see so that it'll last with me til I am ready to join you again. I want to hold your hand in heaven and walk past the gates. I imagined rolling hills with daffodils, beautiful weeping willows and colorful butterflies that flutter without a care in the world. Let me see you do hand stands and cartwheels while laughing with joy. I want to chase you barefoot through the clouds playing hide n go seek and read you your bedtime story while putting you to sleep. I'd stroke you hair and touch your face remembering how it was. For just one more day.
Love,
Daddy
Monday, November 26, 2007
The Holidays
Christmas is barely a few weeks away and I'm already beginning to feel the sadness and depression. I came home early on Saturday, no one was home and I decided to mend the torn lining in my jacket pockets and sleaves. I decided to use a pair of my daughter's favorite socks as extra fabric. I couldn't stop crying as I sewed the remnents into the sleave lining, they are the most absurdly colorful socks that you will ever see. I felt by adding a piece of her favorite clothing to one of my favorite jackets, she would remain closer to me. I know she would have been tickled pink seeing her colorful socks on the lining of my sleeves, Lilly and Jonathan had a good laugh about it. Lilly and I also got a good cry out of it also, those socks just brought back a flood of memories.
We debated for a little while on whether to get a christmas tree this year and I realized that it would be selfish for us not to have one. We still need to make sure that Jonathan was going to have his best Christmas. We've been taking him to therapy at the Hackensack Medical Center. The SIDS foundation has a wing at the hospital and they do an amazing job of reaching out to the parents and siblings of children who pass away unexpectedly or suddenly. Lilly started seeing a licensed clinical social worker(Joseph Chan) who has been a godsend to our family. Jonathan's seen him twice and has been receptive to Joe's efforts at listening. I know I will need to speek with someone at some point but I've got other issues that I hope to work my way through.
When I was growing up, our family never had a christmas tree. I didn't discover the joy of decorating a tree until the kids were born. I get a rush of emotion every time I even think of having to decorate the tree without Samantha. She loved decorating the top of the tree because I would have to sit her on top of my shoulder as she reached for a branch. I would have to alternate between Samantha and Jonathan, I was pretty tired by the time we finished. It would be an annual ritual to hear her getting yelled at for dropping a ball that would break. Lilly was more annoyed at having to clean up the broken pieces than having to replace a ball. The scolding she'd get was always forgotten immediately as she would go and pick up another ornament to hang.
Lilly and I went to pick out a tree on Saturday night. We found a 9 ft tree that just seemed right. Jonathan decided to stay at a friends house until we were home, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to have him come along. When we picked him up from his friends house, he was pretty excited about decorating the tree but we usually wait a day to allow the branches to settle. When we woke up Sunday morning, we came down stairs to the smell of pine. When Lilly brought out the tree ornaments, the first things that we put on the tree were the ornaments that Samantha had made the last few years. I started crying with the first picture ornament that Jonathan handed me and I don't think I've stopped. All those happy, funny memories of Samantha hit me like a hurricane. I'm ashamed to admit that Jonathan had to come over to me to comfort me, shouldn't it be my job to comfort him?
I knew coming in to the holidays that it was going to be tough on us but I had absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm alone in the middle of the sea with no help in sight. I am sometimes so detached from things going on and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with things that need to get done. I feel bad for Lilly because she has to deal with Jonathan and I haven't really been a lot of help to her. The monotony of waking up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep has affected the both of us. I'm ashamed to admit to thinking if this is all there is to my life. I've asked this of myself so many times since Samantha passed yet I've done absolutely nothing to change. If I cry for help who'll listen?
We debated for a little while on whether to get a christmas tree this year and I realized that it would be selfish for us not to have one. We still need to make sure that Jonathan was going to have his best Christmas. We've been taking him to therapy at the Hackensack Medical Center. The SIDS foundation has a wing at the hospital and they do an amazing job of reaching out to the parents and siblings of children who pass away unexpectedly or suddenly. Lilly started seeing a licensed clinical social worker(Joseph Chan) who has been a godsend to our family. Jonathan's seen him twice and has been receptive to Joe's efforts at listening. I know I will need to speek with someone at some point but I've got other issues that I hope to work my way through.
When I was growing up, our family never had a christmas tree. I didn't discover the joy of decorating a tree until the kids were born. I get a rush of emotion every time I even think of having to decorate the tree without Samantha. She loved decorating the top of the tree because I would have to sit her on top of my shoulder as she reached for a branch. I would have to alternate between Samantha and Jonathan, I was pretty tired by the time we finished. It would be an annual ritual to hear her getting yelled at for dropping a ball that would break. Lilly was more annoyed at having to clean up the broken pieces than having to replace a ball. The scolding she'd get was always forgotten immediately as she would go and pick up another ornament to hang.
Lilly and I went to pick out a tree on Saturday night. We found a 9 ft tree that just seemed right. Jonathan decided to stay at a friends house until we were home, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to have him come along. When we picked him up from his friends house, he was pretty excited about decorating the tree but we usually wait a day to allow the branches to settle. When we woke up Sunday morning, we came down stairs to the smell of pine. When Lilly brought out the tree ornaments, the first things that we put on the tree were the ornaments that Samantha had made the last few years. I started crying with the first picture ornament that Jonathan handed me and I don't think I've stopped. All those happy, funny memories of Samantha hit me like a hurricane. I'm ashamed to admit that Jonathan had to come over to me to comfort me, shouldn't it be my job to comfort him?
I knew coming in to the holidays that it was going to be tough on us but I had absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm alone in the middle of the sea with no help in sight. I am sometimes so detached from things going on and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with things that need to get done. I feel bad for Lilly because she has to deal with Jonathan and I haven't really been a lot of help to her. The monotony of waking up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep has affected the both of us. I'm ashamed to admit to thinking if this is all there is to my life. I've asked this of myself so many times since Samantha passed yet I've done absolutely nothing to change. If I cry for help who'll listen?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
