The emptiness doesn't go away

Call it the weather, maybe it's because it's almost a year but I'm finding it harder and harder to get a good nights sleep. I either can't fall asleep until well past midnight or I'll get up in the middle of the night unable to fall back to sleep. Every once in a while, I'll be lucky enough to remember a dream I had of Samantha but mostly my dreams are forgotten with with the dawning of a new day. I want her to visit me so badly, I've even resorted to listening to subliminal sleep music. It's actually worked.

It's been especially tough this past week because we've had our neice, Megan, over to stay. She's such a cute girl and she reminds me so much of what I miss in my daughter. I'll be playing with Megan and something would come up where I automatically think of Samantha. The other day Jonathan was playing tag with Megan and chasing her around the dining room table. She wanted me to pick her up and chase Jonathan and it was all fun and games until it hit me that that's what we used to do with Samantha. It was like being hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer. I had to stop playing and sit for awhile, the kids were disappointed but I just couldn't go on.

Samantha's hair was always a mess, just like Megan's. She used to get mad at me when I'd try running my hand through the knots in her hair. I guess it hurt when the hairs were pulled out, but I just couldn't help it. I would offer to use a brush but chances were fifty/fifty on her saying yes. I used to like tying her hair for her in a ponytail and I tried that with Megan but it wasn't the same. Am I trying to bring back Samantha by doing things with Megan that Samantha and I used to do? I guess I am. The other night we were watching tv and Megan fell asleep in my arms. I missed that. The funny thing is that Megan likes to touch with her hands just like Samantha did. One of the last things I remember of Samantha is her hands touching my arms as I held her the night before she passed.

We decided on a vaction spot last week. After so much angst about how much it would cost to visit Italy, I decided on St. Lucia. We are going from April 11th to April 17th. The funny thing is that the cost of the trip will be about the same as if we'd gone to Italy. The difference is that we'd be able to speak the english language and be understood. The place that we will be staying at is the Jalousie Plantation, an absolutely gorgeous resort situated on 180 acres of western coast of St. Lucia. One of the things that caught my attention was on their website. They used a slogan "Where Heaven meets Earth". I've wanted to have pictures of Samantha and Jonathan tattooed on me with the words "Heaven and Earth" under each picture. I new this was some kind of sign. I haven't told Lilly but I plan to take some of her hair with us and let them scatter with the breeze.

I thought that December was pretty bad but I'm getting this feeling that the anniversary of her death will be much worse. I can't even believe that it's been almost a year since Samantha passed. I've been thinking of her everyday and the pain hasn't eased with time. If this is how I feel after almost a year, I know that things will not get easier. How can it?