life moves on

Although life will never be the same for us, our lives and everyone elses sadly moves forward. We go on planning our lives, only now we plan for three instead of four. There's constant reminders that things are no longer natural. It's so much easier to buy things for four rather than three. It's especially hard to watch other dad's doing normal everyday things with their daughters. I can't help but be envious of the bond they share, the same bond I no longer share. We went out for dinner last night and we sat with me sitting across from lilly and Jonathan sitting right next to her. When I realized that the seat next to me was always samantha's, ialmost lost it. When Jonathan complained about how spicy the food was, I remembered how much samantha liked eating spicy.

I don't know many kids have already have forgotten our daughter, it's only natural but there is one who still remembers. One of her best friends since pre school, Dani Lynn keeps a scrap book in Samanatha's memory. When lilly saw it for the first time, it warmed and broke her heart at the same time. It is my sincerest hope that she remain close to us for the rest of our lives. I still wonder if Jonathan has retained any memories of his sister, it might be pushed back inside a filing cabinet in his brain but I'm sure there. It hurts when he sometimes goes about his business as if Samantha was a distant memory.

I saw a therapist for the first time last night. It was difficult to open up to a total stranger but she was the first person other than Lilly that I've spoken to about what's been going on. I'm not quite sold on the whole therapy thing but I did feel a sense that a weight was taken off my shoulders. You realize that there's so much that needs to come out and before I knew it the 1 hour was done. I know that there are some underlying issues that need to get straightened out but I don't think it'll get done through therapy. The weird thing is that a lot of what this therapist was trying to relate to me was regurgitated from stuff I've read online. I almost expected the words to come out before she started talking, how freaky is that? At least it only costs me my co-pay, she's in my insurance plan. Only time will tell.

Lilly and I went to see her doctor to get a 2nd opinion on what to do about getting pregnant. It was very emotional because her doctor was not aware of Samantha's passing. He delivered both the kids. He recommended that we stop messing around and consider an anonymous egg donor. Lilly has to get over the fact that the eggs aren't hers but she will be carrying the baby and giving birth to the baby. The chances are almost 50/50 that she can become pregnant with an egg from a donor and 25% that she carries to term. I think it is something that we should put a lot of thought to before we do it but we are running out of alternatives. The good thing about asians is that we all look alike so it'll be hard to tell if the baby looks like Lilly, I'm kidding, I swear I'm kidding.