The Holidays

Christmas is barely a few weeks away and I'm already beginning to feel the sadness and depression. I came home early on Saturday, no one was home and I decided to mend the torn lining in my jacket pockets and sleaves. I decided to use a pair of my daughter's favorite socks as extra fabric. I couldn't stop crying as I sewed the remnents into the sleave lining, they are the most absurdly colorful socks that you will ever see. I felt by adding a piece of her favorite clothing to one of my favorite jackets, she would remain closer to me. I know she would have been tickled pink seeing her colorful socks on the lining of my sleeves, Lilly and Jonathan had a good laugh about it. Lilly and I also got a good cry out of it also, those socks just brought back a flood of memories.



We debated for a little while on whether to get a christmas tree this year and I realized that it would be selfish for us not to have one. We still need to make sure that Jonathan was going to have his best Christmas. We've been taking him to therapy at the Hackensack Medical Center. The SIDS foundation has a wing at the hospital and they do an amazing job of reaching out to the parents and siblings of children who pass away unexpectedly or suddenly. Lilly started seeing a licensed clinical social worker(Joseph Chan) who has been a godsend to our family. Jonathan's seen him twice and has been receptive to Joe's efforts at listening. I know I will need to speek with someone at some point but I've got other issues that I hope to work my way through.



When I was growing up, our family never had a christmas tree. I didn't discover the joy of decorating a tree until the kids were born. I get a rush of emotion every time I even think of having to decorate the tree without Samantha. She loved decorating the top of the tree because I would have to sit her on top of my shoulder as she reached for a branch. I would have to alternate between Samantha and Jonathan, I was pretty tired by the time we finished. It would be an annual ritual to hear her getting yelled at for dropping a ball that would break. Lilly was more annoyed at having to clean up the broken pieces than having to replace a ball. The scolding she'd get was always forgotten immediately as she would go and pick up another ornament to hang.



Lilly and I went to pick out a tree on Saturday night. We found a 9 ft tree that just seemed right. Jonathan decided to stay at a friends house until we were home, I was a little disappointed because I was hoping to have him come along. When we picked him up from his friends house, he was pretty excited about decorating the tree but we usually wait a day to allow the branches to settle. When we woke up Sunday morning, we came down stairs to the smell of pine. When Lilly brought out the tree ornaments, the first things that we put on the tree were the ornaments that Samantha had made the last few years. I started crying with the first picture ornament that Jonathan handed me and I don't think I've stopped. All those happy, funny memories of Samantha hit me like a hurricane. I'm ashamed to admit that Jonathan had to come over to me to comfort me, shouldn't it be my job to comfort him?

I knew coming in to the holidays that it was going to be tough on us but I had absolutely no idea. I feel like I'm alone in the middle of the sea with no help in sight. I am sometimes so detached from things going on and sometimes I feel overwhelmed with things that need to get done. I feel bad for Lilly because she has to deal with Jonathan and I haven't really been a lot of help to her. The monotony of waking up, going to work, coming home and going to sleep has affected the both of us. I'm ashamed to admit to thinking if this is all there is to my life. I've asked this of myself so many times since Samantha passed yet I've done absolutely nothing to change. If I cry for help who'll listen?